Intercultural Relationships: Challenges, Keys and Tips for Success in a Couple

Intercultural «romances» have existed since the dawn of our species. Over 100,000 years ago, hybridization between Neanderthals from Eurasia and Homo sapiens from the African continent was already taking place. The significant differences between these two human species—both in physical appearance and in intellectual and behavioral aspects—were not enough to prevent their intermingling and relationships. Throughout human history, intercultural unions have continued, with varying levels of acceptance, some widely known, such as the relationships between Cleopatra and Julius Caesar or between La Malinche and Hernán Cortés.

Today, we can define intercultural couples or «intercultural intimate relationships» as those formed by individuals from different cultural backgrounds. Cultural differences can encompass a broad range of aspects, including nationality, ethnicity, language, religious beliefs, and more. In an intercultural relationship, each partner brings their own unique perspective, shaped by their cultural background, regarding concepts such as relationships and family, communication styles, values and expectations, customs and traditions, displays of affection and intimacy, sexuality, and more.

In many societies, the rate of intercultural romantic relationships is increasing, including in Spain, where, according to the National Institute of Statistics, around 18% of couples who marry are intercultural. This increase in recent decades may be a result of globalization and technological advances, which are creating increasingly multicultural and heterogeneous societies.

As intercultural relationships become more common, we wonder how they compare to «intracultural» relationships, in which both partners share the same culture. Studies often compare aspects such as relationship success rates and quality, which are linked to factors like commitment and satisfaction—important elements for relationship stability and well-being. Other studies approach the topic from the perspective of attraction and the factors influencing partner selection.

What attracts us to another person? Several theories attempt to answer this question. Some emphasize the principle of similarity, which suggests that we are more attracted to people who share similar values, education, intelligence, and even appearance. Some studies also suggest that, on an unconscious level, we seek partners with familiar traits, which tend to attract us more. This familiarity can make us feel safer, more comfortable, or recognized.

On the other hand, there is the myth of the «soulmate.» The idea that somewhere in the world there is one person who complements you perfectly dates back to Ancient Greece, appearing in the writings of Aristophanes, a contemporary of Socrates. In this vein, some theories propose that opposites attract, such as Robert F. Winch’s «Theory of Complementarity,» which argues that people are drawn to those with different characteristics that complement their own. For example, an introverted person might find an extroverted personality attractive, just as an impulsive person might be drawn to someone more reflective. Attachment Theory also suggests that people with an «anxious attachment» style tend to be attracted to those with an «avoidant attachment» style, and vice versa.

Although similarity-based theories have received greater scientific support, there is evidence that people are often attracted to what they lack (in terms of personality), as well as to novelty and even a sense of exoticism. However, the very differences that initially attract people can also lead to conflicts and marital difficulties, ultimately reducing satisfaction and increasing the likelihood of romantic breakdown.

Therefore, one might assume that intercultural intimate relationships are more prone to dissatisfaction or failure. Historically, and according to past studies, this was true—but things are changing. More recent research suggests that intercultural romances can be just as satisfying and committed as intracultural ones.

At the heart of any relationship is intimate communication—the glue that holds two people together. However, in intercultural relationships, communication takes on a nuanced dimension. Different cultural norms regarding verbal and nonverbal expression can significantly influence how partners perceive each other.

For example, sincerity and assertiveness are valued in some Western cultures as signs of trust and honesty, whereas in many Asian cultures, indirectness, avoidance of direct «NOs,» and subtle communication are considered signs of respect and emotional intelligence. When these two seemingly opposite styles clash in an intimate setting, misunderstandings and frustration can easily arise. A simple expression of frustration in one culture may be perceived as conflict in another, potentially leading to emotional distancing.

That said, these challenges are not insurmountable. So, what factors contribute to a successful intercultural intimate relationship?

Psychologists and relationship experts—myself included—may not fully grasp all aspects of this dynamic. While similarity is an important factor, perhaps it is not so much superficial traits like race or country of origin that matter, but rather deeper compatibility in personality, values, and attitudes, which could reduce conflict. However, prioritizing similarity might also mean less learning and personal growth. If we combined lower similarity with a high degree of openness and adaptability, wouldn’t that be ideal?

In fact, some research suggests that individuals who seek romantic partners from different cultures tend to score high on a personality trait known as openness to new experiences, meaning they are more receptive to novelty.

Another relevant factor concerns the mixing of specific cultures. For instance, studies show that relationships between Black and White individuals have a lower likelihood of success compared to those between Hispanics and Whites. This may be due to historical and social factors, such as discrimination or the presence of racism. A couple that might seem highly compatible on the surface can still be affected by external pressures that ultimately lead to their separation.

In my view, when intercultural differences are approached with mutual respect and openness, they can become valuable opportunities for learning and personal and relational growth. Both partners can discover new ways of expressing affection, learn different conflict-resolution strategies, and deepen their understanding of each other. Navigating cultural differences can strengthen a relationship and make both individuals more empathetic and flexible in other areas of life.

Another layer of complexity in intercultural intimate relationships stems from differing cultural values and expectations. Values related to family, gender roles, traditions, and even religion play a crucial role in relationship dynamics. In more collectivist cultures (such as Latin American or Spanish cultures), family is often seen as a central unit, with strong ties and intergenerational obligations. A person from a collectivist culture may expect their family to be involved in major life decisions, while someone from an individualistic culture may see such involvement as intrusive. Similarly, differences in gender role expectations can create tension, especially if one partner comes from a society with traditional norms and the other from one with more egalitarian views.

These differences can lead to conflicts, especially when societal and familial pressures come into play. Some families or communities may disapprove of intercultural unions, adding external stress to the relationship. Intercultural couples often face not only their personal differences but also the judgments and expectations of others—and, at times, social marginalization or exclusion.

However, couples who successfully navigate these challenges often develop a stronger bond as they work together to overcome both internal and external difficulties. Over time, social perceptions of intercultural relationships are also evolving in a more positive direction, fostering greater acceptance among families and communities.

The success of intercultural intimate relationships largely depends on the adaptability and openness of both partners. Openness involves flexibility and a willingness to engage with the other person’s culture, which can pave the way for mutual understanding. Learning about each other’s backgrounds, languages, customs, and values can help bridge many differences. While it is impossible for one partner to fully understand or adopt the other’s culture, showing curiosity and respect is a powerful way to validate the other’s identity.

Moreover, these relationships require an active commitment to «cultural learning.» This does not mean a rigid adherence to one set of cultural norms or another, but rather a shared approach based on openness, commitment, and negotiation of values. One partner may choose to adopt certain cultural practices from the other, or both may agree to create new traditions that blend aspects of both their cultural backgrounds.

This hybridity or fusion can enrich the relationship, offering unique opportunities to create a shared and unique identity that honors the heritage of both partners.

Intercultural relationships also raise deeper questions about identity and belonging. Partners may experience changes in their self-perception, sometimes feeling «between two worlds,» struggling with social expectations, or feeling that they don’t fully belong anywhere. Children of intercultural couples, in particular, often face the challenge of navigating multiple cultural identities and feeling that they don’t fully fit into any of them. However, this can also be enriching. Growing up in a multicultural environment offers a unique perspective, often fostering adaptability, empathy, and a broad understanding of the world.

Despite the challenges, intercultural relationships can be deeply enriching. They provide opportunities for learning, personal development, and relational growth. The key to their success lies in openness, flexibility, and effective communication. Those who manage to overcome cultural barriers often develop a deeper understanding of each other, thereby strengthening their bond. In an increasingly globalized world, intercultural relationships not only challenge borders but also demonstrate the immense potential of human connection.

Guillermo Gabarain Beristain is a Psychologist and Coach at SINEWS MTI with more than 15 years of experience, licensed in both Spain and the USA to practice as a psychologist, bilingual and with international experience. Trained in scientifically validated methodologies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy, Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, Crisis Prevention and Intervention, as well as in Humanistic and Systemic approaches. His main activity is focused on working with adults and couples, and he is specialized in the treatment of depression and anxiety disorders, complex grief, adjustment problems due to migration, substance use disorders and addictions, and couple problems.