On Children and Gratitude
How many of us can think back to our childhood days and remember our parents, grandparents and even early-years teachers urging us to say thank you when we were presented with a gift, a nice gesture or a helping hand?
I certainly remember that showing appreciation and being thankful was tremendously important for the grown-ups around me. With time, I understood that people felt good when I said thank you to them, but before empathy entered the picture, thankfulness felt like one of those things I had to do, one more rule to go by: Saying thank you was equivalent to being polite.
Politeness was and continues to be a highly valued quality among humans. One to make sure our children possess and carry with them. After all, if we stop to really be honest for a moment, we can agree that politeness speaks well of the child that practices it, while also singing hidden praises to the caregivers responsible for that child. We could agree that it is a social skill that opens doors. A win-win all around. But in this case, politesse is merely one small part of a much bigger stance: Gratitude.
And if we were conscious about the psychological weight of gratitude as general value, we would be less concerned with mere politeness. Harvesting gratitude would then become a must (something just as important as promoting mathematical dexterity, if not more).
In general terms, gratitude is associated with the capability of being thankful, but because gratitude has been the subject of psychological interest for many years, we now know that it is a little bit more complex than that.
Robert Emmons, a Professor of Psychology at the University of California, considered one of the leading scientific experts on gratitude, approaches it as a two-stage process:
According to Emmons, the first stage consists of the “acknowledgment of goodness in one's life”.
Gratefulness -therefore- begins, when someone stops to be aware of the fact that they have received something (whether it be recently or long ago).
The Second part of the process consists of the recognition that the “source (s) of this goodness lie, at least partially, outside the self”. It is then safe to say that Gratitude is directly related to humility: We are conscious of the fact that something or someone, provided us with something and that something contributed to our well-being.
To me, it all sounds like a big gift. A magical process in which we can appreciate goodness in our own existence and contact with positive emotions along the way. But that isn´t all there is to it. Experiments in the gratitude realm have directly linked it to a more optimistic look on life, increased sense of connectedness to others, longer and better quality of sleep time and fewer reported physical symptoms such as pain. (From an interview to Mr. Robert Emmons published in the SharpBrains blog on 2007).
So how can we teach our children the attitude of gratitude, which holds and includes politeness but transcends it?
- Model it. Behavioralist psychologist understood -throughout their investigations many years ago- that visually demonstrating a behavior so that it could be reproduced by the observer, was a key part of the learning experience. Is therefore safe to conclude that If you wish to cultivate gratefulness, you need to show a child what being grateful looks like. Imagine for example that you go for a walk at a park or in the woods, in the middle of autumn: It is a great opportunity to practice being grateful. You can model excitement about the fact that you get to see all the different shades of yellow, orange and red. You can open your eyes wide, and using an excited tone of voice go into the details of what you can see and are “amazed by”, ending it with a “it´s so cool or its so nice that we get to see this and be here together”.
- Create a family gratitude ritual. Depending on how the family schedule runs, you can take a moment daily to say what each family member is thankful for (at the dinner table or perhaps after reading the bedtime story…) Depending on the child’s age you will need to use simpler words such as : “I’m happy that today…x”, for example. If schedules are complex and mom can be present at bedtime, for example, but dad can´t, creating a gratitude jar is an option. Assign each family member a color of paper. Throughout the week, when someone is grateful or happy about something, they can write it down and place their piece of paper inside the jar. During the weekend, the family can make it a habit to sit down with some refreshments and read the content of the jar.
- Promote the overt expression of gratitude using thank you notes/post cards or letters. If you take into considerations Robert Emmons definition of gratitude, you will comprehend that gratitude is active and that it requires thought and intention. By encouraging our children to write thank you notes, we will be helping them to stop and think of the actions and/or gestures that someone directed at them and that were therefore, helpful, allowing them to experience positive emotions. They will also get a chance to see in return, how their words contribute to someone else’s´ emotions and day.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Children, adolescents and adults
Languages: English and Spanish
Learning the practice of mindfulness, by Vicente Simón
To anyone who wishes to live the present moment more fully, escape the “automatic pilot mode” and experience emotional fulfillment, we are introduced to the practice of mindfulness by psychiatrist Vicente Simón.
The closest definition of “mindfulness" would be "full attention or awareness". Which means: paying close attention to the present moment with full intent and passing no judgement over what is being experienced. Or in other words: being aware of our experiences while they are being experienced. According to the author, mindfulness can also be described as “the universal and basic human ability of being aware of our mind’s content moment to moment”.
To sum it all up, practicing mindfulness consists in setting our constant worrying about the past and future aside in order to calmly experience the present moment. Instead of ruminating over dreaded future scenarios that fill us with anxiety, we attentively focus on what is happening right this second.
Over the course of this accesible and light guide, Dr. Simón brings us closer to different observations of prominent thinkers and philosophers on the subject of full awareness and experiencing the present; all the while teaching us the most important aspects of a mindfulness practice: observation, not identifying ourselves with out emotional states, acceptance and lack of judgement, curiosity, coping strategies to manage strong negative emotions, self-acceptance and practicing love and compassion for oneself.
In addition to providing us with the necessary tools to understand and practice mindfulness, Simón offers us a varied array of guided meditations which will be crucial in the endeavor of exercising this newly gained state of mind in our daily lives.
As the author concludes, the constant and overwhelming flow of thoughts that have little to do with the present moment, impedes life itself. Therefore, the practice of mindfulness becomes a basic tool in order to gain peace of mind and happiness.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English and Spanish
Hooked to New Technologies
When we talk about addiction to new technologies, it is frequent that, automatically, we bring to our mind the image of a boy or girl with any electronic device.
It is not uncommon nowadays to take a look around a restaurant and see parents slow down their children's activity through a device, be it tablet, mobile or other. The effectiveness of this technique is unquestionable.
As a sedative for children and parents, keeping children absorbed in digital activity reduces their activity, as we have been saying, but also our involvement in managing their behaviors. However, the victims - yes, victims - of this strategy are not only children, but also adults, the subject on which this article will focus.
In summary, we could describe addiction to new technologies as the excessive use of electronic devices, added to the need to use them when we have been a long time (or not so long, in some cases) away from them, and with a powerful calming function and / or pleasant sensation that is, sometimes, difficult to recognize.
In the era of hyperconnectivity, it is expected that many of our activities will be done through new technologies like meeting our friends, getting informed about something quickly or buying a product in a matter of seconds. The utility is more than evident.
However, the dark side of this utility lies in the immediacy of the reward, reinforcement or satisfaction. We feel calmer when we get a response from our partner in the moment instead of waiting to see each other. We feel especially recognized when the “likes” grow like foam and we can observe this very satisfactory phenomenon in real time. We feel more in control being able to go immediately to information that solves a question of the moment. Ultimately, the promptness of the response takes on a strong tint of reward. This of course is far from being harmless..
It is necessary to make a brief explanation of our brain mechanisms to understand how the matter in question works, and, for this, we will refer to the reward mechanism of our brain. This system is part of our "primitive brain".This implies that it bears a strong relationship with animal survival, as it “informs” about pleasant sensations.
Briefly, the reward circuit locates pleasant stimuli (eg, a good plate of food, a hug, or a drug). The consequence of "accessing" this stimulus is the release of neurotransmitters, like dopamine and serotonin, which produce in us an intense feeling of well-being. Other clear examples are when I get a hug from someone I love, when I buy something through my mobile that I have been craving for a long time, when I get an answer playing a board game -and I persist in the game after that hit-, or when I see a notification from the person I like.
Well, taking into account what has been mentioned above, it is expected that adults obtain that well-being through their mobile devices, in the same way as young people and children.
It also seems interesting to refer to the calm that parents have when they have located their son or daughter thanks to their phone. Immediacy once again plays a fundamental role.
This means that the reinforcement, namely the feeling of calm that we get from knowing where our son or daughter is, makes us go to our phone more frequently to appease unpleasant feelings. It is what we would call a negative reinforcement, whose nuance consists of the reduction of discomfort.Positive reinforcers are distinguished from the previous ones since they provide well-being. An example can be when I order something to eat through my mobile, when I listen to music that I like or I am in contact with the person I crave.
Definitely, no one easily escapes the electronic device trap. In addition, as we said previously, in the era of hyperconnectivity it is paradoxical that we find ourselves increasingly distant and isolated. We are present physically but not mentally. We meet up with our friends but we dedicate a good part of those moments to being aware of things that are not related to the specific moment. I may be having a beer with my best friend but I withdraw from the situation by talking to someone who can be found in Honolulu.
Adults also experience these situations, and it seems pertinent to make special mention of parents: the use of devices and their applications give parents an illusory sense of connection with their children. When they perceive their distancing, parents try to find other ways of communicating with them, and this is where new technologies play an essential role. It is not uncommon to see parents trying to get closer to their children by showing them what they have downloaded to their mobile or the latest joke they have been sent.
The seeking for a more genuine, more intimate and less electronically mediated contact pushes parents to find other ways of access to their sons and daughters, and they may also be caught in the excessive use of these technologies.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Why does my therapist ask me about my childhood and the relationship with my parents? The importance in psychotherapy of exploring early childhood relationships
Usually, when we decide to start therapy it is because we have a problem in the present that generates discomfort or pain, and we do not have enough resources to handle the situation adequately. Sometimes the problem may have been in our life for some time (months, years); other times, something sudden happens which makes us seek help immediately. Regardless of the time we have been living with the problem, when we decide to start therapy is when the problem starts to interfere significantly with different areas of our lives (personal, family, work, academic, couple, etc.).
During therapy, our therapist will ask questions to understand how the problem manifests (symptoms), how long we have been living with the problem and how it impacts different areas of our life. Our therapist will also ask questions about our childhood, adolescence and adulthood, but especially, he/she will want to deepen in early childhood experiences with our parents or people whom we grew up with.
Understandably, it is important for our therapist to get to know us, not only in the present, but also know our life trajectory. But, why so much interest in exploring early childhood relationships?
Let’s see the importance of exploring in depth these childhood experiences in order to understand the problems or difficulties we have in the present.
During childhood, through the interaction with people around us and the outside world, we begin to develop specific thought and behavior patterns, coping strategies, emotion regulation skills, as well as mental schemas about how relationships with loved ones or people in the immediate environment work.
Since we are dependent on nearby adults for our survival, when we are kids we will do everything we have to do to keep our parents/caregivers as close as possible to meet our needs (physical, emotional, cognitive, social). So, through the interaction with our parents, we will learn how to behave in order to receive attention, love, and care. This early experiences with our parents/caregivers will establish basic notions about how affective relationships work in terms of care, safety, intimacy and dependency.
Through the interaction with parents/caregivers we will also begin to forge our self-concept based on the things we are valued, rewarded, or loved for; and based on the things we are punished, despised, or abused for. This way, we will begin to develop our self-concept, our opinion of ourselves, in terms of whether we are valid, good enough, or worthy of love/care/attention from the important figures in our lives. Likewise, we will begin to shape our values and belief system, our idea of what is valuable in the world, both with respect to ourselves and with respect to others.
Therefore, our childhood experiences with our parents/caregivers will have a great impact on who we are and how we think, feel and behave in both adolescence and adulthood. Thus, these schemas and patterns acquired in childhood will accompany us throughout our lives.
Obviously, this does not mean that later experiences in other stages of life will not have an impact on our mental schemas and behavioral patterns; for sure, they will do. However, these early experiences with our parents/caregivers will lay the foundation for how we see and deal with the world and interpersonal relationships. This idea is essential in understanding the origin of the problems we may have in the present.
Let's see an example:
If a child has suffered abandonment or neglect during childhood, if he has grown up in an environment where his parents have not been available to meet his needs in a consistent and predictable manner, the child will not feel safe with them. He will grow up feeling that he cannot depend on those close to him and may be afraid of being abandoned, because his experience is that he cannot trust those close to him to be available when needed. Thus, his mental schemas on how affective relationships work will be formed through the interaction with his parents. These schemas will be the foundation for later relationships in life.
As explained before, children will develop certain behaviors to keep their parents as close as possible to increase the chances of having their needs met. In this case, it is likely that this kid will cry inconsolably when separated from his parent in order to avoid separation. It is also likely that he will be upset if his parents pay attention to other people, as this would minimize his chances of having his needs met. Generally, the uncertainty about having our needs met translates into great discomfort, bewilderment, sense of lack of control, and fear of abandonment.
With regard to his self-concept, it is likely that this kid will feel that he is not lovable, that he is not enough, that there is something wrong with him that makes those close to him not to love him or care for him (at a more unconscious level). These self-concept schemas are formed in childhood when children are unable to understand the complex world of adults and the reasons why parents/caregivers do not care for them properly; so, kids usually take responsibility for the lack of attention or care from their parents. Thus, this kid will develop a negative self-concept which, in turn, will have an effect on later relationships and other contexts of life (couple, work, school, etc.).
Accordingly, it is very likely that when this child gets to adulthood, in future relationships, especially in love/intimate relationships, he will keep the same thought and behavior patterns and negative self-concept. In adult relationships this may manifest in jealousy, difficulties in trusting his partner, constant fear of being abandoned, constant anger at his partner for spending time with other people or doing their hobbies, etc. We see that these behaviors are very similar to the behaviors that this person used in childhood to attract attention from his parents/caregivers.
These thought and behavior patterns are usually maintained independently of the partner’s behavior, because the mental schemas on how relationship work that were developed in childhood will still have an impact on the present. Even if his partner never gives any sign of abandonment, this person would still be afraid of it because he grew up with the expectation that those close to him will not be reliable and will leave at some point. With regard to the self-concept, this person will continue to feel that he is not enough and will not understand why his partner wants to be with him; hence, his fear of abandonment.
Thus, we see how these relationship schemas acquired in childhood, mainly in the family context, will accompany this person throughout his life and will be transferred to other contexts and other people.
In this particular case, his thought and behavior patterns will probably lead to high levels of anxiety and depressive symptoms, in addition to a great deal of conflict and discomfort within the couple. These problems will be the main motives for this person to seek therapy. Hence, we see how the problems this person is currently having have their roots in his early relationships with his parents.
For this reason, in therapy we will always explore childhood relationships. In therapy will connect the present and the past, and we will see how current difficulties relate to past experiences and to ways of functioning in the world that we learned in childhood.
At the beginning of the treatment we will address the symptoms and difficulties we experience in the present, providing an understanding about the origin and maintenance of the problems and providing tools to manage these difficulties. Later, we will address deeper issues that will lead us to question our thought/behavioral patterns, relationship schemas, beliefs and values; which were established in childhood and constitutes the roots of our problems in the present. As a result of this questioning process, we will replace these schemas with other ones, more adaptive and more adjusted to reality. This will have a positive impact on our current way of thinking, feeling and behaving, and will improve our mood and quality of life.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults
Languages: English and Spanish
Back to School and Separation Anxiety
September has been a tough time for everyone, especially for teenagers and children.
After a very long time away from school, they had to go back with a lot of restrictions and measures for their safety and their teachers.
Most of them have shown an incredible amount of strength, giving us a valuable lesson adapting to our new normal. They have learned the proper distance they need to maintain from their peers, they wear their masks at all times, wash their hands as many times as we remind them, and learn new ways to greet their peers and adults. And they have made this whiteout complaint.
They know that there is a virus out there that could endanger their family and friends. They don't want to be held responsible for hurting one of their loved ones, and this has been their main motivation to follow up all the rules and restrictions we have submitted them too.
Nevertheless, with all the changes and uncertainty they had gone through, over the last six month, and with the constant reminder of the possibility of getting ill with the virus, separation anxiety has been a common feeling for some children and teenagers over the past month.
This disorder appears when children believe there is a higher probability of something terrible happening to, mainly their parents or to their most closer caregiver.
If we also take into account that for the past six months, most of them have shared their home with their parents regularly seeing them, and having them close, they have grown more attached and used to be always with them. Now they have to go back to school, which means they will be away from their parents for at least five hours, where they are not going to see them and make sure that they are safe.
They are afraid of something terrible, like having the virus, happening to their parents or loved ones. Likewise, they are scared of making any careless mistake at school that would put their families in danger.
What could we do to help our children and teenagers to help them cope with this anxiety?
The first thing we need to do is recognise the fear they have, and put feelings into words. Ask questions like are you afraid of something? Does going back to school scare you? Why? Then empathise with them with phrases like:
- "If I were in your shoes I would feel the same"
- "It's okay to feel like this/or feeling these emotions"
- "Going back to school must be tough nowadays, I think you are courageous/sting".
By empathizing we encourage them to talk to us about their feelings so we can help them overcome them.
Once we have gathered their feelings and named them, we need to set strategies to battle those fears.
- Comfort your child, don't lie to them telling them that everything is going to be okay because you don't know if that affirmation is right.
- Accept your feelings and share your fears with your children. Tell them that it’s okay to feel scared, but you are going to approach the school with baby steps. Each day that he spends at school is a battle you and your child have won against the anxiety.
- Practice relaxation techniques before going to bed and before entering school. With little children, you can use a balloon, ask them to fill it slowly and then as you let the air out of the balloon expel the air that has filled your lungs very slowly. Use the square of breathing, breath in, retain the air for five seconds and then exhale it very slowly. Repeat it four or five times.
- Write down or do a draw about their fears, what happens with them, which are their thoughts, their feelings, what they are most afraid of. This would help them to elaborate on their feelings and put them behind. Writing and drawing could be very therapeutic.
On the other hand, as parents, you should be aware of your feelings. Most of the time children and adolescents reflect their parent's emotions and behaviour.
Suppose you are worried about our current situation and are nervous regarding the uncertainty that represents the future. In that case, it is important for you to be aware of all these thoughts and feelings.
Once you recognise your feelings and thoughts the next step would be to accept them; realise where those feelings and thoughts are coming from; if they are based or not on reality; If they are accurate with the situation; After that, the following step would be doing something to cope with those feelings and thoughts, to lessen the overwhelming effect they could have over yourself. Any activity that would help you reduce your anxiety would be beneficial.
It is very important being in tune with your emotions, knowing where they are coming from will help you to recognise them in your children and find ways to cope with them.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Tools for identifying and expressing emotions
Why is it important to identify and express emotions properly?
Emotions provide important information about what is happening around us, how external events affect us and what they mean to us. Emotions also inform about the impact of internal events such as thoughts or physiological responses. Therefore, emotional responses to external or internal events are guides to our behavior, set us to behave in one way or another, tell us what to do depending on the emotion we are feeling.
If we do not know how to properly identify the emotions we feel, it is very likely that we will have difficulty managing our feelings, reflecting on why we feel the way we do and what we need to do to change our emotional state. Therefore, it is very important that we know how to identify emotions properly and to observe to which thoughts they are related to, so that we can make decisions to manage our emotions and respond to the situation we are facing.
The skills to identify and express emotions need to be fostered in childhood so that children develop an emotional system that allows them to manage and handle emotions properly. However, sometimes, these skills have not been adequately developed during this stage of life and we see adults with difficulties in identifying, expressing and managing their emotions. Sometimes, people with these difficulties can only determine if they feel "good", "so so" or "bad", but they do not know how to identify exactly what emotion they are feeling. At other times, they are able to differentiate between basic emotions (such as joy, sadness, fear, anger, disgust, and surprise), but have difficulty being more specific with more complex emotional states.
Below are some tools and resources that can be helpful in developing the skills to identify and express emotions. All of them can be used with adults, and some of them, with children, depending on their level of emotional development.
Circle of emotions
The Circle of emotions is a very useful tool to identify and name emotions. This circle is composed by the name of different emotions, which are categorized into basic emotions, in the inner part of the circle, and more specific and complex emotions, in the outer part of the circle.
The Circle of emotions provides rich and precise vocabulary to identify and name emotions. Sometimes it is necessary to go deeper into the meaning of the more complex emotions to learn to differentiate between similar but different emotions within the same emotional category (for example, differences between being apathetic or indifferent).
Along with naming and describing emotions, it is also very important to identify where in the body this emotion is located and how it feels (e.g., "when I feel angry I feel my forehead shrink and I feel pressure in my head and my chest"; "when I feel scared I feel it in the pit of my stomach"). Locating the emotion in the body helps in the process of identifying the emotions.
In addition, it is important to investigate the thoughts and behaviors associated with emotions, so that we understand the cause of our emotions and how they influence our thoughts and behavior, and vice versa.
Periodic table of human emotions
The Periodic table of human emotions is a tool similar to the circle of emotions, which has the same goal: identifying and naming emotions. In this case, we also find different emotional categories, which in turn are divided into more specific emotions.
This tool is recommended when the abilities to identify and name emotions are somewhat limited. If that is the case, it may be more useful to start by using the periodic table instead of the circle of emotions, because it contains fewer emotions, and these are less complex than those found in the circle.
As we did with the circle of emotions, part of the process of identifying and naming emotions involves locating the emotion in the body, and exploring the thoughts and behaviors associated with the emotion.
Book “Emocionario” by Cristina Núñez (only available in Spanish)
The Emocionario is a book that contains the description and graphic representation of a great variety of emotions and feelings. This book can be considered an emotional dictionary.
It is a very useful book to learn how to identify emotions adequately, since not only describes the different emotional states, but also helps to distinguish between them by showing how some emotions are related to others and explaining the possible causes of emotions.
This book is mainly targeted towards children. However, it is also a very useful resource for adults who have difficulties identifying their emotions. Therefore, this book is highly recommended for anyone involved in children's education (e.g., parents, teachers, etc.), and for adults who want to deepen and improve their emotional skills.
The simplicity and concreteness with which the different emotions are described makes this book a great tool for identifying and expressing emotions, both in and outside therapy.
Books “El laberinto del alma – The Labyrinth of the Soul ” and “Diario de emociones – Emotion’s diary” by Anna Llenas (only available in Spanish)
El Laberinto del Alma – The Labyrinth of the Soul is another reference book for identifying emotions and feelings. This book, like the Emocionario, is also considered an emotional dictionary, but unlike this one, El Laberinto del Alma is aimed at adults and adolescents, as it describes feelings of greater emotional complexity (for example: bonding, empathy, abandonment, toxicity, emotional blindness, etc.).
Especially interesting are the graphic representations accompanying the description of each of the emotions/feelings presented in the book, since they capture in a very precise way the essence of the emotion described.
The graphic representation of emotions is a very important resource to help develop the skills to identify and express emotions, because on many occasions, images are more powerful when it comes to transmitting what the person is feeling, than just identifying and naming the emotion.
Precisely, it is the graphic representation of emotions what is targeted in the book Diario de emociones – Emotion’s diary. This book is composed of different exercises to identify and express emotional states. Among them we can find exercises to connect with different emotions and draw them (e.g., "listen to a sad song and let yourself go" expressing graphically how it makes you feel); exercises to locate the emotion in the body and color it with the color that represents that emotion for us; exercises to express of our fears; etc.
The emotional expression through drawings, images, and colors besides facilitating the identification of emotions is also a therapeutic tool of great value in the process of managing and channeling emotions. Therefore, Diario de emociones is a highly recommended book to explore our emotional world and our way of expressing how we feel.
Dixit cards
The phrase "A picture is worth a thousand words" is especially applicable in the case of the expression of emotions, as sometimes pictures can capture the emotional world much more accurately than words themselves.
Sometimes it is difficult to put into words what we are feeling, because we may not know what we are feeling, or we may not have precise vocabulary to describe the complexity of our emotional world. For this reason, the cards of the board game Dixit can be a great resource to help develop or improve the skills to identify and express emotions.
These cards are composed of a great variety of images, which besides having great aesthetic value, are very symbolic and have lots of details, so they are very useful to represent the variety and complexity of emotional states, including representing the thoughts associated with those emotions.
Obviously, the meaning that each person attributes to each image is subjective; that is, an image can represent one emotion or emotions for one person and represent different emotions for another. That is why it is very important to use this tool so that the person can explain what it means to him or her. It is especially important that in this process we explore thoughts and behaviors associated with the images of the cards.
It is highly recommended to combine the Dixit cards with the circle of emotions or the periodic table of human emotions, so that the images represented in the cards are paired with the name of emotions.
Therefore, the use of Dixit cards is especially useful for people who have difficulty identifying emotions or for those who only have the ability to differentiate between basic emotions.
Drawings, collages and play dough
Other resources to help in the process of identifying and expressing emotions can be drawings, collages or the representation of emotions with play dough. These resources are very interesting as a means of shaping and externalizing the emotional world, and as a means of managing and channeling emotions.
The combined use of graphic representations with other resources for naming emotions, such as the circle of emotions or dictionaries of emotions, can be of great help to improve the abilities to identify and express emotions. As with other tools, it is very important to explore thoughts and behaviors associated with emotions, and to identify the part of the body where they are located.
The tools and resources described can be used by therapists and other professionals (teachers, educators, etc.), as well as by anyone who wants to improve their skills to identify and express their emotions.
When working with the emotional world, it is very important to be creative and have a variety of tools that facilitate the process of identification and expression of emotions, with adults as well as with children, and of course, always adapting the resources to the level of emotional development that the person presents.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults
Languages: English and Spanish
Attached
Attached, written by psychologists Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, is an interesting self-help book that aims to bring the reader the latest advances in scientific research on how adults tend to form emotional bonds with their partners.
The authors do a great job in conveying, in simple and understandable terms, the main scientific findings on attachment theory and its influence on adult relationships.
Attachment theory explains the way in which we establish affective bonds with other people, especially with people close to us, based on the experiences with our parents or main caregivers during the first years of life. Through these experiences we learn basic notions of the functioning of relationships in terms of intimacy, security, care, dependence and autonomy. The way in which adults establish affective ties with their partners is similar to those established between parents and children. Therefore, these early experiences will end up forging our particular style of attachment; that is, the specific way in which we tend to relate affectively with other people.
Attachment styles are stable over time. However, this does not mean that they are rigid. Attachment styles are malleable; that mean we can learn new ways of relating affectively with our partners in order to have healthier and more satisfying relationships.
This book focuses primarily on attachment styles in adult relationships. The authors of the book explain that, depending on our attachment style, we will differ in the expectations we have about the relationship and our partners, the ideas about intimacy, the attitude towards sex, the ability to express desires and needs, and the way we handle conflict.
If partners differ in attachment styles, this can lead to conflicts or misunderstandings, communication problems, difficulties in understanding each other's needs, as well as difficulties in meeting those needs. Therefore, knowing our own attachment style and the one of our partners, can provide us with relevant information to understand the difficulties we are going through in order to successfully address them.
The authors describe 3 styles of attachment: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and secure attachment. Everyone fits into one of these categories; scientific studies have found these styles in different countries and cultures. These are the main characteristics of each attachment style:
Anxious attachment:
People with this type of attachment long for closeness and intimacy. They usually want to be with their partner 100% of the time and are often upset when their partner spends time with other people or doing other activities. They tend to be obsessed with their relationship and doubt whether their partners can meet their needs; they often feel that they have a greater need for intimacy than their partners, so they feel very insecure about the future of their relationship. The fear of abandonment is often very present.
Avoidant attachment:
People with this type of attachment long for autonomy and independence, so they are often cold and emotionally distant. Emotional intimacy makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid closeness. They do not like to feel dependent on other people, and have difficulty trusting their partner. They tend to have difficulties opening up emotionally and communicating their needs, problems or difficulties, and do not show much concern for relationships or how their partner may feel.
Secure attachment:
People with this type of attachment are usually warm and loving. They tend to feel comfortable approaching and becoming intimate with their partners. They tend to manage well the balance between intimacy and independence. They do not usually worry about their partner leaving them. They tend to communicate their needs and feelings appropriately and are responsive and their partner's needs by offering support when needed it.
Of the three attachment styles, secure attachment is the healthiest and the one that generates less conflicts and difficulties in relationships. Relationships formed by couples in which one or both partners are anxious or avoidant, tend to have more conflicts and more difficulties communicating and understanding each other needs.
This book provides a very detailed description of thinking patterns, emotional states, and behaviors of people in adult relationships according to each attachment style and provides useful and simple tools (questionnaires) to identify our attachment style and the one of our partners. In addition, it describes the specific emotional needs and weak points of each style and provides advice and strategies for dealing with the difficulties that can be encountered when the members of the couple differ in attachment styles.
Especially important is the book’s section that describes secure attachment, where specific guidelines and strategies are provided in order to improve communication styles, conflict resolution techniques and the expression of needs for people with anxious or avoidant attachments, to help them get closer to those with secure attachment styles.
In conclusion, this book is a useful guide to help us navigate the world of intimate relationships by providing a deeper understanding of how we relate to our partners in order to achieve greater psychological and emotional well-being within the couple.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults
Languages: English and Spanish
Atypical
Autism spectrum disorder, shortened as ASD, is a neurological condition that affects a person's learning abilities. Normally the signs begin to show, and consequently it is diagnosed, in childhood, and it’s one of the conditions that concern parents the most when they receive the news, as there is popularly a fairly limited or erroneous knowledge about the disorder due once again to the disinformation we have about it.
In summary, ASD is a neurological condition that affects the ability of an individual to adequately relate to their environment, everything and everyone around them, people who suffer from it may have problems with communication, learning knowledge, noise discomfort, a wide variety of other issues, which is why a few years ago it started being called autism spectrum disorder, since the same condition created a great variety of problems depending on the person.
In society, the information that we usually have about this condition, unless we know a family member or acquaintance who suffers from it, usually comes from famous movies and series, which usually generate myths and / or confusion about what it really is. A spectacular example of this is Barry Levison's famous movie Rain Man (1988), where actor Dustin Hoffman plays the role of a person with ASD and Savant syndrome (extraordinary abilities in a certain field such as memory or mathematics).
But all these myths and exceptional cases do not allow us to know what people with this condition really are, and they can create fear, as we have already said, in people close to someone who is diagnosed.
Fortunately, in recent years, more and more series have appeared that try to overthrow this lack of knowledge and show what the lives of people suffering from them are like, their potential and possible ways of relating to them.
One of the series that has drawn the most attention in this regard is Atypical (Atypical), created by Robia Rashid, which premiered in 2018 and tells the life of Sam Garden, an 18-year-old teenager suffering from an autism spectrum disorder. In the series we can see what Sam's day-to-day is like, the problems he encounters in terms of interaction with his family and friends, romantic problems regarding his first love, his high school life, his understanding of the world and personal development to understand himself.
They offer us the opportunity to see first-hand what the life of a person with ASD is like and they teach different guidelines on how we can interact with them and understand their difficulties, although we must bear in mind that each person will be different. Created with the collaboration of writers and actors suffering from the same disorder, Atypical has received astonishing reviews for the realism of the problems and for how they manage to transmit the information regarding the usual problems, so much so that it currently has 3 seasons available and has been renewed for the fourth and last season.
Atypical is an interactive and good way to learn about ASD, for parents and relatives as well as acquaintances or people who are simply curious. They remove the stigma associated with the disorder and allow us to enter their world in an exceptional way, with comic, dramatic, serious, and realistic touches all at once. For people who do not have reliable information about ASD, or who are curious to learn more, this series represents a perfect opportunity for it.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English, Spanish and Norwegian
Lacan: historia y aportaciones
Jacques Lacan fue un psicoanalista y psiquiatra de origen francés. Nacido en París el 13 de abril de 1901, es conocido por su “retorno a Freud”, actualizando y modificando la teoría de Sigmund Freud, conocido por todos como el padre del psicoanálisis. Su evolución teórica provoca la escisión de la Sociedad Psicoanalítica de París. Dicha evolución se caracteriza especialmente por un sustancial abandono de los aspectos más puramente biológicos, confiriendo una enorme importancia al lenguaje de cara a la comprensión de los pacientes, el cual, según su concepción, estructura el inconsciente a través de sus códigos.
El objetivo del presente escrito no es tanto aportar una explicación biográfica de Lacan, si no describir de forma breve pero clara alguna de las aportaciones más curiosas que esta figura del psicoanálisis produjo en esta corriente, así como algunos datos que rindan cuenta de la particularidad de esta figura del psicoanálisis. Este no es sino un primer contacto con la teoría de Lacan. En artículos posteriores se profundizará en otros aspectos.
Escansión
Una de las características de la terapia psicoanalítica de marcado enfoque lacaniano es el conocido corte de sesión o escansión. Se dice que la utilidad de este corte es el puntuar, el hacer hincapié en una verbalización llevada a cabo por el paciente y que guarda una enorme relación con los conflictos intrapsíquicos de éste.
El objetivo fundamental de este corte de sesión es fomentar la reflexión del paciente sobre lo que dijo, abrir la puerta a un discurrir por parte del sujeto.
Partiendo de la premisa que dice que el inconsciente se estructura como un lenguaje, Lacan se negaba a plegarse a la norma de la duración de las sesiones (que debían durar 50 minutos según la IPA).
Descrito por él como un imperativo obsesivo, esta duración rígida no respetaba las puntuaciones del sujeto en su discurso (y por ende, sus contenidos inconscientes), ya que el inconsciente, según Lacan, no obedece nunca a un tiempo preestablecido. Al cortar la sesión en este punto, el analista realiza una acentuación en forma no verbal, dejándole entrever al paciente que lo que ha dicho se trata de algo significativo y que no debe ser tomado a la ligera. El analista no es en absoluto un oyente neutral. Deja muy claro que ciertos puntos, que seguramente guarden relación con la revelación de un deseo inconsciente y con un goce previamente no admitido son cruciales. El analista dirige la atención hacia ellos, recomendándole al paciente más o menos directamente que piense en ellos y los tome seriamente.
Los pacientes no tienden a hablar y puntuar espontáneamente los temas más importantes. Es más, desde el punto de vista psicoanalítico, los pacientes tienden en mayor medida a evitar aquellos aspectos. Ejemplo de ello son los temas relacionados con la sexualidad, evitando, por ejemplo, asociar sueños y fantasías con elementos que conllevan mayor carga sexual.
Muy probablemente el lector se preguntará qué se espera de uno cuando acude a un terapeuta de orientación lacaniana. Pues bien, el análisis no requiere que relatemos toda nuestra vida en detalle ni toda nuestra semana y sus pormenores. Hacerlo convierte automáticamente la terapia en un proceso infinito. Para que el analista pueda involucrar al paciente en un verdadero trabajo analítico, no debe tener miedo en dejar claro al paciente que el contar historias, los relatos detallados de lo que pasó en la semana y otras formas de discurso superficial no son el material del análisis, aunque, por supuesto, puede ponerlos al servicio del análisis. El terapeuta tenderá por tanto a cambiar de tema en lugar de intentar, de forma obstinada, a encontrar algo de significación psicológica en los detalles de la vida cotidiana del paciente.
Cuando el analista de repente concluye una sesión, puede acentuar la sorpresa de lo que el paciente ha expresado, o introducir el elemento de sorpresa a través de la escansión, dejando que el paciente se pregunte qué fue lo que el analista escuchó y que él mismo no logró escuchar. Cuando las sesiones de tiempo fijo son la norma, el paciente se acostumbra a tener una cantidad de tiempo determinado para hablar, y calcula cómo rellenar ese tiempo, cómo hacer un mejor uso de él. Los pacientes saben a menudo que el sueño que tuvieron es lo más importante que deben relatar para su análisis. Sin embargo, tratan de hablar de muchas cosas de las que quieren hablar antes de llegar al sueño, si es que llegan a él. Establecer una duración determinada de la sesión no sirve, según Lacan, sino para alimentar la neurosis del paciente: el uso que hace del tiempo previsto para él en la sesión es una parte indisociable de su estrategia neurótica, que involucra la evitación, la neutralización de otras personas y demás.
El diagnóstico lacaniano
Para los profesionales que trabajen con los sistemas diagnósticos predominantes como el Manual Diagnóstico y Estadístico de los Trastornos Mentales (DSM), la sistematización llevada a cabo por Lacan resultará enormemente simplista. No obstante, ésta implica también precisiones mucho mayores respecto de lo que generalmente se considera que es un diagnóstico en buena parte del ámbito de la psicología y la psiquiatría. Los criterios diagnósticos de Lacan se basan fundamentalmente en la obra de Freud, siendo ésta ampliada en multitud de ocasiones, y en el trabajo de algunos psiquiatras franceses y alemanes como Kraepelin o Gatian de Clérembault.
En lugar de tender a multiplicar todavía más las ya numerosas categorías diagnósticas, de modo que cada nuevo síntoma o conjunto observable es considerado como un síndrome separado, el esquema diagnóstico de Lacan es enormemente simple, pues incluye solamente tres categorías principales: neurosis, psicosis y perversión.
A diferencia de las categorías diagnósticas como el DSM, los diagnósticos lacanianos proporcionan al terapeuta una aplicación inmediata, en la medida en que guían los objetivos del terapeuta e indican la posición que éste debe adoptar en la transferencia. La teoría lacaniana demuestra que ciertos objetivos y técnicas utilizados con los neuróticos son inaplicables con los psicóticos. Y esas técnicas no solo son inaplicables, sino que incluso pueden resultar peligrosas, puesto que pueden disparar un brote psicótico.
El diagnóstico no es, por tanto, una cuestión formal de papeleo, tal como requieren las instituciones sanitarias. Es fundamental para determinar el abordaje general que el terapeuta adoptará para el tratamiento de un paciente individual, para situarse correctamente en la transferencia y para realizar las intervenciones apropiadas. Lacan trata de sistematizar las categorías de Freud ampliando sus distinciones terminológicas. Lacan distingue entre categorías diagnósticas en función del mecanismo de defensa operante.
Es decir, las tres principales categorías diagnósticas adoptadas por Lacan son categorías estructurales basadas en tres mecanismos diferentes o formas diferentes de negación. Encontramos entonces que para la neurosis el mecanismo fundamental es la represión, para la perversión es la renegación y para la psicosis la forclusión. Retomando a Freud, el cual decía que mecanismo y estructura no son meras compañeras que presentan una fuerte correlación entre los pacientes. El mecanismo de negación es constitutivo de la estructura. Esto quiere decir que la represión es la causa de la neurosis, así como la forclusión es la causa de la psicosis.
Diversos estudios encuentran una relación positiva entre la impulsividad, la ira y la impaciencia. Cabe, en este contexto, mencionar la elevada de tasa de abandonos (egosintónico y suele provenir por parte de otra persona) cuando la ira es motivo de consulta. Como decíamos, la ira correlaciona con la impaciencia. Esto podría explicar que las personas que padecen este problema cuando no obtienen resultados deprisa, abandonan el tratamiento; cuando obtienen resultados deprisa, abandonan el tratamiento; cuando la pareja les deja, abandonan el tratamiento y cuando la pareja no les deja, también suelen abandonar el tratamiento.
Homosexualidad
Mientras que la corriente psicoanalítica predominante en la época de Lacan afirmaba rotundamente que los homosexuales no podían ejercer el trabajo de psicoanalistas, Lacan rompió con esta preconcepción, dando a entender que los homosexuales sí podían ejercer como tal. Roudinesco, psicoanalista de origen francés, afirma que Lacan aceptaba asimismo a pacientes homosexuales, sin el objetivo de adentrarles en lo que por entonces se consideraba la normalidad.
La Asociación Psicoanalítica Internacional (IPA) contaba en la década de 1920 con un comité encargado de gestionar esta cuestión. La rama berlinesa de dicha asociación decía así: “(la homosexualidad) es un crimen repugnante: si uno de nuestros miembros lo cometiera, nos comportaría un grave delito”, llegando incluso a considerarse como una “tara”.
En este sentido, la posición de Lacan resultó novedosa, evitando rechazar a homosexuales en su formación como analistas. Esta negación al estigma predominante, junto con su negación a establecer un tiempo determinado en las sesiones, así como su oposición al academicismo propio de la IPA conllevó su expulsión de esta institución en 1963.
A continuación, se ampliarán algunos de los aspectos descritos unas líneas más arriba, profundizando en las estructuras y en los pormenores que distinguen a dichas estructuras desde el punto de vista de Lacan.
Con anterioridad, se esbozaron de forma breve algunos de los aspectos más curiosos y característicos de Jacques Lacan. Esta no es sino una continuación de lo anterior, donde profundizaremos de forma sintética en una de las categorías diagnósticas descritas por Lacan: la neurosis. Retomando lo dicho en el anterior artículo, el abordaje lacaniano del diagnóstico puede parecer extraño y simplista para aquellos profesionales familiarizados con otras categorías diagnósticas como es el caso del Manual Diagnóstico y Estadístico de los Trastornos Mentales (DSM). El propósito de este artículo no es resaltar los posibles defectos de estos instrumentos diagnósticos.
El objetivo es describir una alternativa en un contexto donde la psicología ha tendido en gran medida a aproximarse a la medicina -y por ende, a la psiquiatría-, intentando operativizar y cuantificar aspectos que, al fin y al cabo, resultan intangibles. El diagnóstico lacaniano, en lugar de multiplicar las categorías diagnósticas, incluye tres categorías principales: neurosis, psicosis y perversión.
A diferencia de otras categorías diagnósticas, proporcionan una aplicacióninmediata al terapeuta, guiándole en sus objetivos e indicando la posición que éste debe asumir en la transferencia. Un aspecto interesante de este abordaje es que las personas que son habitualmente consideradas “normales” (Cabría preguntarse qué es normalidad y qué no lo es) no tienen una estructura especial propia. Por lo general, son neuróticas en términos clínicos. Esto quiere decir que el mecanismo de defensa básico es la represión. Freud sostenía lo siguiente: “Si adoptamos un punto de vista teórico y desatendemos el aspecto de la cantidad, podemos afirmar que todos estamos enfermos, o sea, que todos somos neuróticos, ya que las precondiciones para la formación de síntomas, a saber, la represión, también pueden observarse en personas normales”.
A diferencia de otras estructuras como la psicosis, la neurosis se caracteriza por la instauración de la llamada Función paterna, la asimilación de la estructura esencial del lenguaje, la primacía de la duda sobre la certeza, un considerable grado de inhibición de las pulsiones que se opone a su puesta en acto libre de inhibiciones, la tendencia a encontrar más placer en el fantasma que en el contacto sexual directo, el ya mencionado mecanismo de la represión, el retorno de lo reprimido en forma de lapsus, actos fallidos y síntomas, etc.
A diferencia de la perversión, la neurosis implica el predominio de la zona genital frente a otras zonas erógenas, cierto grado de incertidumbre respecto de lo que excita y lo que no o una importante dificultad para lograr la satisfacción aún sabiendo lo que excita. La represión: “Lo esencial en la represión no es que el afecto esté suprimido, sino que está desplazado y es irreconocible” Lacan, Seminario XVIII, p.168.
Como decíamos anteriormente, el mecanismo fundamental que define la neurosis es la represión. Este mecanismo es el responsable de que, mientras que,en la psicosis, tal y como veremos en el siguiente artículo, el paciente es capaz de revelar toda su “ropa sucia” sin aparente dificultad, el neurótico mantiene esas cosas ocultas para los demás y para sí mismo. A diferencia de la neurosis, en la psicosis no hay inconsciente, ya que éste es resultado de la represión. La represión puede ser descrita como la expulsión de la psique de pensamientos o deseos que no son aceptables para nuestra visión de nosotros mismos o para nuestros principios morales. Además, ésta puede explicarse como una atracción ejercida por el núcleo del material reprimido “original” sobre elementos relacionados con él. La represión no implica la absoluta y completa eliminación de ese pensamiento, al contrario que en la psicosis, como veremos que sí ocurre. En la neurosis, la realidad y sus elementos son afirmadas en un sentido muy básico pero desalojados de la conciencia. El afecto y el pensamiento están conectados, tal y como defienden también terapias de corte cognitivo como la Terapia Racional Emotiva de Albert Ellis. La represión ejerce una separación, “un divorcio” entre el afecto y el pensamiento, siendo éste excluido de la conciencia. Este es el motivo por el cual los analistas a menudo se encuentran con personas en consulta que dicen sentirse vacíos, tristes, ansiosos o culpables sin saber por qué. O bien las razones que esgrimen no parecen corresponderse en modo alguno con la magnitud del afecto que los acompaña. La carga afectiva perdura cuando el pensamiento ha sido reprimido, llevando a la persona a buscar explicaciones a ese sentimiento. Esto, es decir, la ausencia del pensamiento pero la presencia de un afecto arrollador son muy comunes en la neurosis histérica. En la neurosis obsesiva, el pensamiento puede estar presente pero no suscitar afecto alguno. Tenemos por ejemplo pacientes que relatan haber sufrido acontecimientos gravísimos pero éstos no suscitan absolutamente ninguna reacción afectiva. Aquí, el analista trata de traer esos afectos disociados al aquí y ahora del análisis. El retorno de lo reprimido:
Cuando un pensamiento se reprime, queda latente, no desaparece. Trata de expresarse allá donde pueda, conectándose con otros pensamientos relacionados. Estas expresiones adoptan la forma de lapsus, sueños, actos fallidos y síntomas. En este sentido, Lacan afirmaba que “lo reprimido y el retorno de lo reprimido son uno y el mismo”. Aquello que ha sido apartado de la conciencia aparece aparece de forma maquillada a través del olvido de un nombre, la rotura “accidental” de un regalo, o el rechazo hacia el cariño de una madre que desvela la represión del niño de su deseo por la madre. Otro ejemplo de esto son las interrupciones o irrupciones.
Existen multitud de ejemplos para exponer el retorno de lo reprimido. En cualquiera de estos casos, algún deseo está siendo sofocado. Para Lacan, el síntoma neurótico cumple el papel de la lengua que permite expresar la represión (Seminario III, p.72). Se trata de un mensaje dirigido al Otro. La insatisfacción del deseo y el deseo imposible o neurosis histérica y neurosis obsesiva : El neurótico obsesivo se caracteriza por su deseo imposible. El obsesivo puede, por ejemplo, anular o negar al Otro. Por ejemplo, mientras hace el amor, el neurótico obsesivo puede fantasear que está con otra persona, negando de esta manera la importancia de la persona con la que está. El deseo en la neurosis obsesiva es imposible: cuanto más próximo a su satisfacción se encuentra el obsesivo lo sabotea.
Es por ello, por ejemplo, que en la neurosis obsesiva sea frecuente encontrar narrativas de una persona (el obsesivo) que se enamora de alguien inalcanzable o establecer requisitos extremadamente estrictos a sus parejas y allegados. En la neurosis histérica, el sujeto adopta la posición de objeto de deseo del Otro. Asimismo, el sujeto puede identificarse con un par y desearlo como si fuese él. Es decir, desea como si estuviese en su posición. A menudo podemos encontrarnos con parejas donde uno aprecia ciertas cosas y el/la contrario/a acaba deseándolas. En la histeria, se detecta en el Otro un deseo, un consecuente posicionarse como objeto de satisfacción de ese deseo pero luego negar dicha satisfacción para seguir manteniéndolo vivo (el deseo). La neurosis obsesiva y la neurosis histérica en el análisis: Dado que el obsesivo intenta neutralizar al Otro, cuanto más obsesivo sea, menores serán las posibilidades de que se analice. El obsesivo puede, intelectualmente, llegar a aceptar la existencia del inconsciente, pero no la idea de que éste es inaccesible sin la ayuda de otra persona. Refiere dificultades, pero se limita a hacer un “autoanálisis” que toma la forma de llevar un diario, escribir sus sueños o preocupaciones de la semana. Comúnmente, el obsesivo vive su vida en rebelión contra uno o todos los deseos de sus padres, pero niega cualquier relación entre lo que hace y lo que sus padres quisieron que hiciera.
La primera maniobra que ha de efectuar el analista es asegurarse de que el obsesivo entienda que el Otro no puede ser anulado o pasado por alto. Es decir, tratará de impedir los intentos del obsesivo de repetir eso con el analista. Los analistas que trabajan con obsesivos están familiarizados con la tendencia de estos pacientes a hablar y hablar, interpretarse a sí mismos o asociar, sin prestar atención a las puntuaciones del analista. Éste muchas veces ha de hacer un auténtico esfuerzo para evitar que el obsesivo arrase con sus intervenciones, ya que suele tener la sensación de que el paciente se interpone en el camino de lo que quería decir. Podemos pensar, teniendo en cuenta lo anterior, que en la neurosis histérica el paciente será un paciente ideal, ya que éste está atento al deseo del Otro. Asimismo, el paciente quiere saber en estos casos. Es por esto que en la histeria es fácil pedir la ayuda del analista, pero también es difícil para ella trabajar una vez está en el proceso analítico. En el caso de que el analista acceda a darle al paciente lo que busca, es probable que éste lo cuestione, lo desarme y encuentre la falla en el saber del analista: esto la convierte en la prueba de que puede complementar el saber del analista. A menudo pueden resultar un desafío para los terapeutas, dado que pueden hacerles sentir que no están a la altura de la comprensión de la situación. Se convierten así en amos del saber del analista, ya que le empujan a saber y prontamente. En la histeria es frecuente que el sujeto traiga un nuevo síntoma cuando el anterior se resuelve.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Emotional validation: A fundamental need in childhood and adolescence.
I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but I was still small. The memory I am a bout to share happened definitely some years before my 10th birthday. I can’t remember exactly what had happened either or why I was upset, but I remember I was and I also remember that my inner turmoil had carried on for some days. By this point you must be wondering why I’ve chosen to tell a story which facts I do not seem to have in a straightforward manner. The answer is simple: because I remember how I felt.
Let´s go back to the story. As a result of my sadness, I spoke to one of the significant adults in my life about whatever it was that was occurring. Their answer -slight grunt included- went somewhere along the lines of “well, this can´t continue, something needs to be done and we need you to help us out with it”. I distinctly remember the tone of voice in which this was said to me and the expression on the person´s face, maybe the words weren’t exactly as I phrased them here, but I vividly remember the emotional tone of the whole interaction. One could argue the message in itself was good because after all, the adult in question was letting me know they were going to help me, but I remember feeling tense, worried and a little overwhelmed. I thought to myself “uh oh, this person is stressed and worried now and its because of me”. Having thought about this scene several times and years after, I was able to clarify something I was experiencing and didn’t quite know how to articulate at the time my foggy memory occurred: I felt as if there was a sense of urgency being conveyed to me, as if I need to “get well fast”, but no such words where actually used. It was as if there was no space for what I was feeling, and even though I know that this adult was well intentioned and that I mattered to them, this action-oriented problem-solving approach was short of a very crucial step that should have preceded it: emotional validation
What is emotional validation and why is it so important?
Personal experiences always awaken emotions. Human existence cannot be understood without taking feelings into account and feelings are what allow us to connect with others. We validate someone emotionally when we convey to them that their experiences, emotions and thoughts are recognized, make sense and are accepted. It´s an act of true human connection and everyone needs to feel it on a regular basis throughout their lives. Validation expresses I see you, you matter, I understand or try to understand you and I´m here, all without using these words. If you think about it, feeling validated has a core importance for any human (regardless of their age) yet sadly, not much is said to parents about this fundamental parenting task. Validation is a primary emotional need, (like safety and to feel loved) and should be a right.
Validation is important for a numerous amount of reasons: It impacts the capability of naming, expressing and understanding emotions (when it comes to a person´s own self and others as well), it helps the child, teen (or adult) internalize the validating model which then grows into self-validation, it helps build self-esteem and also contributes to the development of the capability of self-regulating emotions while diminishing impulsive behaviours. In terms of immediate consequences, validation helps to “emotionally hold” the child, teen (or grown up) in distress providing emotional containment, while helping them to regulate their emotions and feel secure.
To better understand what emotional validation is and how to materialize it, we also have to comprehend its counterpart: emotional invalidation. When a person feels that his or her feelings, thoughts and/or experiences are frowned upon, judged, and/or minimized, it is safe to say that invalidation is present. We have all felt invalidated at one point or another in our lives, even if we didn’t know the formal term for it. Emotionally invalidating environments in childhood can have long-lasting effects. These effects manifest themselves in the adulthood of those who have lived immersed such environments. The vast array of research available on the matter has shown that repeated and systematic invalidation can cause difficulties in identifying, expressing and regulating emotions, emotional inhibition and depression. In the most extreme cases emotionally invalidating environments have contributed to the development of difunctional behavioural tendencies, such as resorting to impulsive harmful behaviours as a means to quickly alleviate a negative emotion
But, what does emotional invalidation look like exactly?
In essence, invalidation occurs when the important adults in a child´s life aren’t attune with his/her needs and emotions. Furthermore, these adults respond to their children either by discounting or punishing the expression of such needs and emotions. Non-responsiveness is the first from of invalidation. if a child cries, soothing him or her is validating (either with words or actions) as opposed to labelling them as cry baby, for example, which conveys the non verbal message of: you shouldn’t be crying, it doesn’t make sense that you are feeling the way you are. If a child expresses a need, i.g, “I´m hungry”, responding to that need by giving choices of what he/she could have is validating, as opposed to saying: you can´t possibly be hungry, which would again convey the following non-verbal message: the sensation that you are experiencing in your body isn’t so.
If the same thing is done in terms of feelings and an adult tells a child that he/she isn’t or shouldn´t be mad (when he/she actually is), the child slowly learns that his emotions are wrong and that they don’t make sense, which can later resort in an inability to discern emotional states and also a lack of trust his or her emotions as valid and expected reactions to certain events.
Furthermore, if a family environment consistently fails in the task of paying attention to a child’s emotions, thoughts and bodily sessions, they might be inadvertently reinforcing emotional dysregulation. Why? Because a child might learn he only gets noticed and obtains what he might need form the environment, when his or her emotional expression escalates.
So, how can parents and other significant adults be emotionally validating towards their children?
Marsha Linehan, developer of DBT therapy, composed a theory of levels of validation for therapist to use in their sessions. The same theory could be extrapolated and used by parents and caregivers.
I will be using four of the six levels proposed by Linehan to give you examples on how to validate in a conscious manner.
Level one: Be present, be curious. Pay attention to what your child says and does when he/she communicates with you. Tune in when he/she communicates (verbally or not) an emotion. Making sustained eye contact; kneeling, bending or sitting so as to be closer to the child’s actual size and level; a gentle touch etc, are all non-verbal forms of communication that can be validating.
Level two: Reflect back. Be a mirror. Accurately translate into words what you observe and let your child know. The goal is to truly try to understand your child’s inner experience and not judge it. Paraphrase when they are slightly older: “Let me see if I understood you correctly, you said that…”
Level three: Reveal the unspoken. Essentially, at level three, if the adult has been paying close attention, he can articulate things that haven’t been explicitly said. For example, a child might be crying and complaining about something his or her brother did. He hasn’t named his emotion, but the significant adult could say something along the lines of: “That must have made you feel angry”. Linehan refers to this level as mind reading and in its more complex forms, in entails figuring out not only what a person feels but what they are thinking, wishing for…etc. You can always ask if you got things right or if you are correct after mind reading.
Level four: It´s a premise from which to function: All behaviour is either caused by an event or it´s a response to one. In that light, all behaviour is understandable. This one of my favourite levels as it helps us understand and have compassion. It does not mean that any behaviour will be approved or excused. For example, a child lies to his or her teacher about completing his homework. It´s understandable that the child is afraid of telling the truth out of fear of the consequences of doing so. The adult here could let the child know that he understands that fear was felt (level 3 validation or two if the child has explained that he was scared). The adult could go on to explain that when we are afraid, most animals (humans included) do things to try to protect themselves, but that these things aren’t always the wisest. Sometimes they just serve in the short term, but only make things worse in the long run. The adult in question could then proceed to a problem-solving approach and address what the child could do to correct the dysfunctional behaviour.
So, if you are a significant adult in a child´s life, If you are his parent, his caregiver, his uncle or aunt, his teacher or perhaps his older cousin, remember the profound impact emotional validation can have in that child’s emotional development. Whether you are having a simple conversation, a heart to heart or a serious talk about discipline, please don’t forget to validate.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Children, adolescents and adults
Languages: English and Spanish