After Lucia: Grief, Bullying, and Violence
After Lucía is a Mexican production that deals with issues such as bullying and violence in the classroom in a raw and cold way, intertwining this main theme with problems such as grief, lack of limits in adolescents, and lack of emotional management skills among many others.
The film tells the story of Alejandra, who moves to Mexico City with her father after the death of her mother in a traffic accident in which she was present. There, a series of events is unleashed that give rise to bullying that escalates until it explodes. The tragic death of Lucia, the mother, has turned Roberto (the father) and Alejandra into vulnerable beings, who have not yet overcome their grief. Hence the title of the film, since this vulnerability is a facilitator for the bullying to occur to such a high degree, the protagonist not being able to count on her father as a source of help and support.
The film takes care of disconcerting the viewer, using a very slow and realistic narrative, in which we slowly get to know Alejandra, and together discover all the hardships she is going through. At times one might think that such coldness in the face of suffering is impossible in young people, but reality can surpass fiction.
Unprocessed grief
In the first half of the film, we see several scenes in which the director subtly reflects the lack of a healthy processing of Lucia’s grief. The first scene shows how Roberto picks up the car from the accident at the mechanic’s shop and leaves it abandoned on the street, with no explanation to the viewer as to what is going on. We also see how Alejandra says that her mother stayed in Porto when asked about her, or how Roberto does not want to use the same things from the old house. Through these examples of avoidance in the face of the impossibility of facing reality, in addition to small details and many walls of silence and sudden explosions of emotion, Michel Franco lays the foundation on which all the subsequent violence is maintained.
The Bullying
Alejandra’s relationship with her classmates begins as normal, a new girl who joins the popular group, they go to a party, drink and do drugs together and she has sex with one of them, who records everything. Here we begin to see Alejandra’s self-injurious behaviors, who agrees to be recorded without imagining what could happen next. The virtualization of the video at school is the trigger of harassment that increases exponentially, going from verbal annoyances to physical and sexual violence and social exclusion, being ignored, while she suffers all kinds of mistreatment. In addition, it is seen how electronic devices facilitate the rapid increase in harassment.
To understand the film, it is necessary to look at the phenomenon of naturalization of violence in schools, which is becoming more and more established, becoming a «normal», «everyday» violence.
Causes and consequences of bullying in After Lucia
We see how Alejandra’s relationship with her father is apparently good and «relaxed», which is in reality quite fragile and superficial, with no trust and based on lies and cover-ups, making the protagonist more vulnerable. She has no support to defend herself, recently orphaned from her mother, with a father who doesn’t know how to devote quality time to her, being the new girl who needs friends no matter what. There is also latent guilt in Alejandra for the death of her mother, which is never explained to the viewer; this guilt may be the cause of the passive attitude she shows in the face of harassment, almost implying that «I deserve it».
Where are the adults?
Something that is very evident throughout the film is the lack of adult presence, not only on the part of Roberto who does not find out until the end of what is happening to his daughter but also from teachers and parents of other students. There is a scene, in which we see how they mistreat Alejandra on her birthday after a class in which we do not see a single adult intervene in any way, although this happens inside a classroom of the institute. Neither in meetings at classmates’ homes nor on school trips, do we hardly see the presence of adults setting any kind of limits.
The social tribe
One of the greatest complexities in adolescence is the codes generated among peers. One of them, latent in this film, is that denouncing is equivalent to exclusion since the one who takes it «puts up with it». Alejandra abides by these codes fiercely, being the moment in which she lies when asked directly what is happening at the point of no return. Here the aggressors are aware of their impunity and everything begins to unfold at breathtaking speed.
We also observe the establishment of roles and the desperation to get out of the role of the victim. We see at the beginning that one of the boys in the group is the one who fulfilled this role before Alejandra arrived, being an overweight adolescent. As soon as the ban is opened to harass the protagonist, this is one of the characters who harasses more strongly, since he sees the opportunity for someone else to take the role he had been playing until now, and feels that he belongs to the group in a stronger way.
The consequences of bullying that we see in Alejandra are evident: anguish, sadness, isolation, social phobia, learned helplessness, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and depression. The aftermath of bullying usually accompanies people into adulthood, resulting in depressive adults, with a tendency to addiction or prone to develop a psychological disorder.
Conclusion
After Lucía is not an «easy» film but a hurtful, uncomfortable, and raw film that makes you feel the hopelessness of the protagonist and generates feelings of anguish, helplessness, and rejection. The great achievement of this film is that it makes you feel the pain of the characters. The viewer finds himself wanting it to end or for something to happen that generates some kind of justice… and the ending will not leave any viewer indifferent.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Is my child’s language development normal?
Language is the main form of communication between people. This article will focus on spoken language.
The first three years of life are fundamental for its development as the brain is in the process of maturing and is when it is in an optimal state for the acquisition of these skills.
Among language disorders, we can differentiate between receptive (comprehension difficulties), expressive (production difficulties), and processing disorders.
Regular development of oral language in a kid:
Between zero and four months, babies are usually calmed by their mother’s voice and show a clear interest in other people’s faces. On the other hand, they can express different things through crying, such as for food or comfort. Crying is one of the first acts of communication because through it they learn that they can alter their environment. In addition to crying, they begin to smile socially and laugh.
At six months, they can respond to their name, follow auditory stimuli with their eyes and begin to babble and vocalize. This is followed by the understanding of verbal routines, such as «bye-bye» and pointing and saying first words, which usually happens around nine months. At around twelve months, infants can follow a verbal command and produce three meaningful words (e.g. «mommy», «daddy», «water»).
At fifteen months, children can identify their body parts when asked about them (asked «where are your legs?» the child will be able to point at them). In terms of expression, they acquire more vocabulary.
Between eighteen and twenty-four months, they will be able to recognize their body parts, as well as to follow simple verbal commands. Production is characterized by an increase in the number of words they use, they have a vocabulary of around 50 words and can make two-word combinations («more bread»). In addition, they know their name and can use it.
From twenty-four to thirty-six months, children understand and carry out complex verbal commands and can make three-word sentences. In addition to this, they can use the interrogative particle «what» to formulate questions. They also begin to use pronouns such as «you» or «I», understand «you», «me» or «she», and respond to simple questions.
Between 36-48 months, understanding of actions and the use of the question «why?». Between 48-60 months, children can understand everything that is said to them, as well as generate complete sentences and tell stories. At this stage, they understand spatial terms such as «behind» or «beside». Errors in long and complex words such as «hippopotamus» are considered typical, but a person outside the child’s immediate family can understand and carry on a conversation with the child.
Finally, by the age of six, they can understand and carry out commands of all complexity and have the ability to express themselves without making errors related to the articulation of sounds as well as narrate events and make-up stories.
The typical development of a child’s language in the different stages of childhood has been described above.
Red flags:
There are a series of red flags that will allow us to identify whether the child’s language is as expected for his or her age or if, on the other hand, a specialist should be consulted.
Between the first and fourth months, the presence of a bizarre cry and the absence of a social smile should draw attention.
On the other hand, between the sixth and ninth months, one should pay attention to the lack of vocalizations and babbling, as well as frequent bisyllabic words such as «mummy/daddy».
At twelve months, the loss of already acquired skills is a warning sign.
On the other hand, at fifteen months the child should be able to point and use three-word combinations, if not, a specialist should be consulted. Another warning sign is the failure to follow simple instructions, recognize body parts, and say at least 25 words between eighteen and twenty-four months. After that, at thirty-six months, they should be using two-word sentences and following two-command instructions.
From thirty-six to forty-eight months, the use of incorrect words or the replacement of one word with another should be brought to our attention. Finally, from forty-eight months to six years, inappropriate use of speech, i.e. the presence of speech with errors in the production of sounds, as well as the inability to tell a story or follow a conversation, is considered alarming.
In conclusion, although each child’s development is unique, a certain age must correspond to the achievement of defined milestones. If this is not the case, it would be advisable to consult a speech therapist who will be able to resolve any doubts or concerns.
|
AGE |
RECEPTIVE LANGUAGE |
EXPRESSIVE LANGUAGE |
RED FLAGS |
|
0-4m |
Are calmed by the mother’s voice. |
Crying, social smile, and laugh. |
Bizarre cry. Absence of social smile. |
|
6m |
Respond to their name. Follow auditory stimuli with their eyes. |
Babbles. |
Lack of vocalizations and babbling. |
|
9m |
Verbal routines like “bye-bye”. |
First words. |
Lack of bisyllabic words like “mummy/daddy”. |
|
12m |
Follow verbal commands. |
Produce three meaningful words. |
Loss of already acquired skills. |
|
15m |
Identification of body parts. |
More vocabulary. |
Not pointing and using the three-word combination. |
|
18-24m |
Recognize body parts, follow simple verbal commands, and recognize their name |
Increase in the number of words (around 50). Use their name and make two-word combinations |
Failure to follow simple instructions, recognize body parts, and have a vocabulary of 25 words. |
|
24-36m |
Understand complex verbal commands. Understand pronouns (“you”, “me”, or “she”). |
Make three-word sentences. Questions with “what”. Use pronouns (“you” or “I”). Respond to simple questions. |
Failure to use two-word sentences and following two-command instructions. |
|
36-48m |
Comprehension of actions. |
Questions with “why”. |
Use of incorrect words. |
|
48-60m |
They understand everything. |
Produce complete sentences and tell stories. |
Presence of sound errors. Inability to tell a story or follow a conversation. |
- Moreno-Flagge, N. (2013). Trastornos del lenguaje. Diagnóstico y tratamiento. Revista neurológica, 57 (supl 1), 85-94. https://d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net/60986065/1.-_Trastornos_del_lenguaje_diagnostico_y_tratamiento20191022-80419-h1p56m-with-cover-page-v2.pdf?Expires=1652004561&Signature=BTaA56uiJzgG40OY7QV6LEfFWwdhz7j1r83-xNISv~ZFQgVB~e9ZM9Guur7juc0X2JunzZcKZ-RvSZTIg2L7Z2y6BhM-tFsQIDVkNMWAqwx~VpKzh3IugK-ER9wf1T6PU-vGZIUFWLtXwIKhhJG1R~SyMCoikRHyhfU6sbdqFDldnyP2CyUqt4QGDlJI-EW-Yk7vqSHMJ8UCpXR2F~pZrp-YHG5cjtXSRauUkp4M8nebltf0JmzcmYQMGfdRCYNKj4tHJ2H28vNHrcu1K2VApze7z7t8up0B3YMko9O4YCSQbXCsTQ2qUYJmoMVhmMvPA9dPTmuVyyk3YzN~PzgmHA__&Key-Pair-Id=APKAJLOHF5GGSLRBV4ZA
- National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders. (2017). Speech and Language Developmental Milestones. https://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/speech-and-language
- Galeote Moreno, M. (2007). Adquisición del lenguaje. Problemas investigación y perspectivas. Ediciones Pirámides.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Attached, a book to better understand your love relationships
Love is, without a doubt, one of the subjects that have fascinated us most (and tortured us, in equal parts) since the beginning of civilization, but also one of the great scientific questions: how does love work and, above all, why do we fall in love with whom we fall in love? In psychology, one of the theories seeking explanations, investigating, and solving, in part, these enigmas is the attachment theory.
The beauty of this theory is that if we know our attachment style, we can also resolve some of the love contradictions we fall into and make better romantic decisions. For example, «Why is it that if, in general, I consider myself a confident person, the moment the guy I like behaves distantly with me, I feel terrible and like I’m worthless?». Perhaps someone else is wondering: «I normally have no problem falling in love, but why is it that when the relationship becomes steady, I start to find they have too many flaws and decide to break up quickly?»
First, let’s put this theory in context: Initially, the study of attachment was not related to romantic relationships but to the bond that arises between infants and their parents or affectionate caregivers. In 1958, Bowlby, an English psychiatrist working in a hospital with children, coined this term when studying the effects of the mother-child relationship on the infant’s cognitive, emotional, and social development. Even if their physical and nutritional needs were met, the babies who had been prematurely separated from their mothers (because, for example, they were orphans during the Second World War) suffered serious consequences in their cognitive development due to the absence of contact with their attachment figure.
Thanks to this theory, we learned that when we are born, we need the protection of an adult to meet our physical needs – such as food and shelter – but, above all, we need the bond to feel loved, cared for, and comforted when our nervous system and stress response are activated.
It was not until much later, in the late 1980s, that Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver helped us understand that the need for attachment is not unique to children. The security we feel or don’t feel in our romantic relationship also awakens our attachment styles. To put it simply, the bond created in our relationship with our parents functions as the blueprint for understanding our expectations in our future intimate and social relationships.
In this book, ‘Attached’ by Levine and Heller (2010), they take an in-depth look at how our attachment style influences the romantic decisions we make.
As children, people with a secure attachment style learned that the world was a stable, predictable place. They felt they could trust the people around them to be available whenever they needed them. That is why they tend not to feel much doubt in their romantic relationships. They feel comfortable showing themselves vulnerable to the person they love. In general, they feel deserving of such affection.
In contrast, people with an anxious attachment style grew up in an environment in which their physical and emotional needs were met ambivalently or intermittently: at times, they were there to care for them, and their affectionate caregivers understood what they needed, and at other times, they were not there or did not feel available to them. As we know, infants’ primary goal is to ensure their proximity to their attachment figure. That’s why children with an insecure-anxious attachment developed a very adaptive strategy to achieve this: to get even closer to their attachment figure especially when their caregiver moved away. As an adult, if you identify with this style, you probably criticize yourself a lot. When the person you like is distant or ambivalent, their attitude generates a lot of anxiety within you. To calm yourself down, you seek to get even closer to them. Please do not criticize yourself or call yourself «desperate» remember, in the past; this was an adaptive way to survive.
People with an avoidant attachment style learned that their caregivers might reject them or be distant from them. Therefore, they learned to rely only on themselves and not count on anyone else because if they were too trusting, they were afraid of being hurt later on. In their romantic relationships, they say they want intimacy and closeness, fall in love easily, and have no difficulty having intimate sexual relations. However, as soon as they deepen a relationship, they are afraid of losing their independence and become distant.
This book helps us identify our attachment styles and, from that knowledge, to take steps to find relationships that «heal» us. Specifically, it explores in depth the affective needs that each style possesses. For example, people with an anxious attachment style will need frequent contact, stability, clarity about what the other person feels, etc. Having these needs is valid, and more than that, it is essential to be aware of them and seek romantic relationships that are aligned with those needs. If we validate our own needs and communicate them openly, we will observe how our partner reacts and if they are ready to meet our needs (or not). From there, it will be easier to decide to prioritize relationships with people who offer us a secure base and transmit the affection and trust we need so much.
In ‘Attached’, we can have a first approach to attachment theory and how it influences our romantic relationships. But, in this book, several issues are left out; for example, the book does not reflect examples of LGTBQ+ relationships. Nor does it attempt to explain how attachment styles would influence polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships.
In any case, I think this book is an excellent start to reflect on your romantic choices and catch yourself on toxic patterns before they happen.
Good luck on this journey finding healthier relationships!
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English and Spanish
“Nine perfect stangers” and the danger of pseudo therapies
The premise of this Amazon Prime series is simple: nine people go to «Tranquilum», a peaceful and luxurious resort in California, which promises healing and a change in their lives in a few days. But almost nothing is as it seems. As a mental health and psychological wellness professional, there are many reasons why I recommend this series.
First of all, because of the characters which are all very well designed: they are all people with very different backgrounds and different life stories. Among them I would highlight a family that has not yet overcome the terrible grief following the suicide of their eldest son three years earlier, a best-selling writer in the dumps both professionally and personally, a depressed former elite athlete, bitter and addicted to painkillers, an insecure and angry recently divorced woman, a young couple newly rich thanks to winning the lottery living a very shallow life. Also the character who is the director of the center, Masha (played by Nicole Kidman), shows us a very complex person, who faces serious traumas from her own past. In general, through the experiences of the characters who come to Tranquilum in search of healing and improvement, we see very serious problems such as mourning for the loss of a child, suicide, loneliness, post-traumatic stress disorder and depression.
I also recommend it for the moment we are living in.
The growing need for mental health services is a clear trend in Spain and in the rest of the world and that undoubtedly has been increased by the effects of the pandemic. For this reason, I believe that “Nine Perfect Strangers” is a series that, aside from its undeniable cinematographic qualities (it has a first-class cast, a fast-paced script, and manages to move in a rather crazy but always successful way between comedy, drama and a thriller) is seen with different eyes today, since it hits close to home for many people. After all, the pandemic has made visible the large number of people who suffer and need psychological or psychiatric care. Also why isolation, loneliness and suffering have increased and in the series, despite the wrong environment, the protagonists initially experience something similar to support thanks to the fact that they are sharing their experiences and traumas with other human beings who have suffered and need help. The impact of sharing our experiences with other people is well recognised as a healing process in group therapy, although the way this is done in «Tranquilum» makes any healing and improvement impossible.
Among the few unorthodox therapeutic methods used in Tranquilum is the use of hallucinogenic drugs. Without a doubt, it is a much more niche trend in the real world, but it is not non-existent or new for this reason. Although there is debate in the academic world about the scientific evidence that in very controlled contexts and in very small doses, the consumption of certain substances, under the supervision and guidance of a qualified mental health professional, can help in the therapeutic process, the series shows us the dangers of the uncontrolled use of hallucinogenic substances with supposed curative purposes when it is done in excessive doses, without supervision or with the supervision of the wrong person, who is not qualified. In general, in everything related to the use of hallucinogenic substances, prudence is what is called for.
Finally, in the series we also see reflected an increasingly widespread trend in many areas of life but especially dangerous in mental health: the search for quick, almost miraculous solutions to our problems. The lack of time in modern life encourages solutions of this type and it is precisely where professional intrusiveness and pseudoscience sneak in, profiting on the suffering of people, promising the impossible, even without having the qualifications or the knowledge suitable as a professional.
In the end, the characters (actually victims) instead of going to a psychologist or psychiatrist and facing a slow but effective path, prefer to believe the promises of a guru with hidden pretensions who tells them that she will heal them in just a few days. They accept being drugged in an uncontrolled way to face their pain, fears and obsessions. For all this, in addition to being an excellent audiovisual product, intelligent entertainment, «Nine Perfect Strangers» is a series that highlights, in contrast to the dangers of pseudoscience and «alternative» treatments, the importance of the work that mental health and emotional well-being professionals perform, more necessary than ever in the face of the great demand for mental health that the population requests.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Movie Review: The Break-up (2006)
“The Break-Up” is an ideal movie to understand the inner workings of relationships. It is about Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) and Gary (Vince Vaughn), a couple who decide to put an end to their relationship after some years together, which then leads to a series of circumstances: the fight for who keeps the apartment they shared, and later, the way they both go through this breakup.
A scene that is key happens at the beginning of the movie, where the couple has an argument over superficial matters. Brooke accuses Gary of not helping her wash the dishes, and then continues saying that he never buys her flowers or takes her to the ballet. Gary then responds in a frustrated manner, saying he feels like nothing is ever good enough for Brooke and that she will never be happy with it.
This kind of argument can often happen within relationships, and there are times where the couple may not realize the message that is behind the superficial talk.
Within this couple’s dynamic we can observe how one’s thoughts and actions can feed into the other person’s, and viceversa, therefore creating a vicious cycle (or how we call it in therapy: circularity). In this case, if we reduce this dynamic to a simple mechanism, we would see it this way:
Brooke thinks “Gary doesn’t appreciate me”, therefore she feels like she isn’t valued, frustrated and demotivated. Consequently, she tells Gary that he doesn’t do anything for her. This leads to point number 2.
Gary thinks “Whatever I do, Brooke will never see it as enough”, therefore he feels incapable, frustrated and defensive. Consequently he doesn’t try to do things that Brooke would like. And this leads to point number 1.
Within this circularity, it would be necessary to make changes in order to create a new and healthier dynamic.
Moreover, later we see how Brooke does just this, by communicating exactly what she was meaning to get across in the first argument: she doesn’t feel valued or appreciated by Gary. In fact, we can see how Gary is much more receptive to this kind of vulnerable and direct communication, and therefore doesn’t act defensive because he doesn’t feel like it is an attack.
All in all, this romantic comedy is a tool that can show us how a relationship can become complicated due to dynamics that they can get stuck in and can tend to become chronic. But it can also show us how a small change in the dynamic can open new doors towards change and evolving within the relationship.
You can see the clip of the fighting scene here:
The Break-up Movie (2006)
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
General Health Psychologist
Adults, adolescents, couples and families
Languages: English and Spanish
Dear Santa...
- LINCE (Lynx): We start with an ideal game to stimulate the selective attention of the little ones of the house. It consists of a round board with images and cards on which only one image appears. The game consists of removing a card and finding the image that appears on it as quickly as possible. The first one to find it wins the round. Ideal for an afternoon with the family! (4-7 years old).
- CUBEEZ: Imagine a hybrid between Mr. Potato and a Rubik’s cube and you will get a glimpse of how Cubeez works. Each player has three cubes with different eyes and mouths. The player who can create the face on the card first wins the game. In addition to having a fun time, we will get to work a variety of cognitive functions such as visual selective attention, spatial orientation and fine motor skills.
(From 6 years old).
- JUNGLE SPEED KIDS: The children’s version of this classic board game is perfect to stimulate the reflexes and visual memory of the little ones. The objective of the game is to remember the position of the animal cards in order to form as many pairs as possible and save them from the lion’s claws. The winner is the player who has managed to turn over the most pairs. Another interesting aspect of this game is that it will allow us to work on behavioral inhibition, since when a player picks up two cards and they do not have the same animal, he/she cannot participate in the game until it is his/her turn again. (From 5 years old).
- CONCEPT KIDS: This game is, without a doubt, one of the most recommended for working on concept formation and abstract reasoning. The objective is to get the rest of the players to guess an animal by pointing out the icons that appear on the board. One of its main advantages is that it does not require the use of verbal language or the learning of reading. Therefore, it is ideal for children from 4 years old.
- ANIMAL ON ANIMAL: A version of the classic Jenga adapted for children, which will test their concentration and visuospatial skills. It is one of those basics that never goes out of fashion, getting the whole family. (From 4 years old).
Different Ways to Limit the Use of Smartphones in Teenagers
Electronic devices are very useful tools that have become an intrinsic part of our lives today. Used in the right way they become an added value and in the wrong way they become a hindrance.
The first thing we need to understand is the extent of the importance of these devices in our lives. As professional adults, we have integrated them into our daily lives as an indispensable tool to work, socialize, book events, pay, play sports, entertain ourselves, organize our agendas and an infinite etcetera.
Taking this into account, why do we expect that for teenagers this is different? The use of electronic devices is as necessary for the proper functioning of different areas of their lives as it is for adults, arguably even more so, considering the omnipresent role technology has come to play in education in the last couple of years. We know that there are both advantages and disadvantages to the use of these devices and yet, when we see a teenager with a SmartPhone we seem to only remember the latter.
Perhaps this is because we are more afraid of the possible adverse effects than the possible benefits. We know that on the one hand the correct use of electronic devices can help in socialization, create new ways of learning, increase problem-solving skills and frustration tolerance (video games), enable creativity and freedom of expression, and allow unlimited access to information. But on the other hand, technology abuse among young people can lead to addiction and isolation, higher levels of anxiety, behavioral disorders, poor school performance, depression, stress and lack of interest in their surroundings.
The important thing to recognize here is the difference between the causes behind the advantages and disadvantages. The advantages associated with the use of electronic devices appear with their correct use, and the disadvantages appear when there is an abuse. It is misuse and abuse, therefore, that we must avoid.
Tips
If you’re concerned about excessive use by your teen, you can take action following these advices:
- Create a family compromise, with space and time rules that you all must abide by. For example, you cannot use the cell phone before 9 a.m. or after 10 p.m.; it is important to propose interesting and fun alternatives to do together such as watching a movie as a family, playing a game, creating something together such as a model or puzzle or sharing any activity that is interesting for them such as learning to play an instrument. With that we will get them to see it not as a restriction but as a change.
- Let them know the advantages of not being always available, of a complete digital disconnection from time to time. You can plan one or two days a month when they will do a new and rewarding activity away from home (an excursion, a concert, a spa day, a culinary event…).
- Support them in using apps that expose them to getting outside. If they like to do sports, there are many options that make it easier to do it outdoors, including an app, Caminandum, that helps you find people who practice the same sport or activity to do it together or lend each other equipment.
- Use educational apps with them to learn together, for example a new language. There are free apps like Memrise and Duolingo that allow you to learn while playing, or paid apps like babbel that are more complete at an academic level. Teach them that they can use the devices to satisfy their curiosity and learn something new about a topic, introducing the question of the veracity of sources and making sure your children are prepared to recognize fake news.
- Participate in your children’s online activities. If you play online games together or show interest in their favorite group they follow on social networks, they will become shared hobbies. This way, you will have more control over the time spent on these activities.
- Explain to them the differences in smartphone use and all that it offers in an understanding way. We want them to understand how to properly use the devices so they can fend for themselves, not impose our own judgment.
- Be an example for them, engaging all adult family members to be one as well. If we ourselves are hooked to the cell phone or tablet whenever we have a free minute, we are validating a wrong behavior. On the contrary, we can teach them how responsible use looks like, sharing with them the utilities that we take out in the day to day. Parents remain the most important role model in a teenager’s life.
- Make sure you have a way to estimate the number of hours your kids spend online realistically .Android, for example, has a «Digital Wellness» feature that tells you how many times you unlock your phone and how much time you spend on each app. Sometimes looking at the stats helps you realize the problem, and reflecting this back to them in a sympathetic way can lead them to decrease exposure on their own.
- Try not to go to extremes, such as blocking your kids’ internet or taking away their devices abruptly; you’ll make it even more desirable.
There is only one valid slogan for the use of these devices, and that is equilibrium. To achieve a digital well-being, knowing which devices or applications to use at what time and when to stop. It’s not just the time in front of the screen that matters, but the quality of what they are watching, which means that if we can’t significantly reduce the time they spend in front of the screen, we can make sure they take advantage of these devices in the same way we do.
To summarize:
To limit the use of electronic devices in teens we need to help them find the balance that they themselves fail to achieve. As parents, you can:
- Share time online by taking an interest in what they are interested in.
- Propose family digital wellness and viable, healthy and fun alternatives.
- Be a role model, an example of good use of electronic devices.
- Explain in an understanding way the differences between use and abuse
- Make sure they understand when use is excessive, teach them statistics
- Help them satisfy their need to explore and their curiosity in an adaptive way.
In this new technological age, we are presented with a million possibilities and therefore a million decisions on a daily basis. We have in our hands devices that allow us permanent accessibility; it is up to us to turn them into a helpful tool or a handicap. This is the idea that we must convey to teenagers.
For more information on prevention, differences between use, abuse and addiction, risk and protective factors, and guidelines for appropriate use, the Universidad Complutense de Madrid has prepared a Guide for parents and educators on the safe use of the Internet, cell phones and video games.
Available at the following link:
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
What can we do if we are told that a family member has cancer?
Receiving news as serious as the illness of a family member is often an event with enormous destabilizing potential. This fact becomes even worse if we talk about cancer, since this disease carries with it an enormous stigma as it is socially considered a fatal condition, although in practice it is not always the case.
Many people, once the initial shock of the news has passed, then to ask themselves if there is something they can do for their family member, but many times the question arises of how a person can be helped in this situation at all.
As we discussed earlier in posts on this topic, talking about cancer in general is misleading, since this disease, depending on the location, size and health status of the patient can be as harmless as to have practically no complications (in cases of rapid detection and intervention), or as terminal as being inoperable and deadly.
In any case, many of the things we can do for people who suffer from this disease are the same regardless of the degree of severity of their condition, so we are going to make certain points and then mention special cases.
1) Understand what kind of help our family member needs: We all have a way in which we like to be comforted, some people need physical contact, it calms them and makes them feel better, but other don’t stand it and may feel uncomfortable with it. In the same way, there are people who appreciate regular interaction and being checked on to see how they are doing, and there are those who prefer to have their own space and time alone to manage the wave of emotions that comes with this type of news. Since we cannot read the minds of the people we live with, there is a little trick that almost always works: Ask!
Giving space to our familiar, and asking questions like: “is there anything I can do to help you?”, “Would you rather we talk about this often, or do you think it would be better for you to deal with this on your own?” “Would it make you feel better if we made plans more often?” are great ways to empower the person we speak to. We allow them to manage the interactions they have in the way that is easiest for them, and we also have the certainty that we are helping.
2) Be attentive to intense emotional reactions: It is very normal that after receiving news of this caliber, emotions can overtake the person who listens to them. The emotions that someone may feel can be really varied; sadness, shame, guilt for not having acted before, anxiety, fear, anger and many more. Sharing the burden of these emotions (always at the pace the affected person sets, as mentioned before) always makes them easier to manage. In addition, normalizing these types of emotional reactions and accompanying the person who suffers them is never a bad option.
3) Pay attention to distorted thoughts: When we suffer waves of intense negative emotions, they often bias our way of thinking and we can end up having thoughts that are somewhat dramatic, illogical and somewhat extreme. It is not uncommon to meet people who think that what happens to them is a punishment for something they did wrong, that their life no longer has meaning, or that others cannot help them at all. Helping patients eliminate these thoughts is the job of a psychologist, but sometimes simply being aware that they exist and are negatively affecting us helps reduce the effect they have on us.
In some cases, unfortunately, cancer is terminal, and although the previously mentioned shows of support are just as important, these cases have a particularities to them.
It is worth mentioning that in the face of death many times people re-evaluate their life and consider how it has gone, what they could have done differently, etc. This is a natural and desirable process, in which the accompaniment of a professional will always help.
Even so, there is an element that usually gives meaning to the last moments of the life of a person in the terminal phase, and it is the opportunity to say goodbye to their loved ones. Many people who die naturally do not have the opportunity to say goodbye to family and friends, and sometimes this is something that takes its toll to the point of complicating the grief of those close to them. However, expressing emotions, desires and affections while still can help both the sick and their families to move on and face the end in a less painful way.
There are always last wishes and actions to take, and it is at these times that patients have the option to do so.
Cancer is an increasingly studied and understood disease, and there are already many professionals in both oncology and mental health (psycho-oncology) who dedicate their lives to helping people who suffer from it. Accompaniment in these moments by qualified personnel can always be a relief that allows to lighten the burden of such a difficult moment for those who need it.
Sinews MTI
Psychology, Psychiatry and Speech Therapy
Intimate partner violence
Intimate partner violence (IPV) consists in any act of physical, sexual, emotional or financial violence exerted by one member of the couple in order to achieve total control over their partner.
It is considered one of the most widespread forms of violence against women, and according to Spain’s government, a 14.2% of the female population has suffered physical and/or sexual violence by an intimate partner. It is difficult to ascertain the real percentage of IPV cases, since the fear of retaliation, lack of support and stigma, hope that their partner would change, or lack of knowledge on how to get help, prevent people from reporting it. This is particularly frequent in cases of emotional abuse, where the violence is harder to see or prove.
What are the types of abuse committed during IPV?
We can organize violent behavior in four different categories, depending on the type of abusive act that is used to corner the person into submission.
- Physical abuse: This type of violent behavior is aimed at inflicting pain, fear and humiliation through the use of punches, kicks, burns, hair pulling, strangulation, shoves, or any other form of physical abuse. Other methods used by the abuser are threatening to kill or hurt with a weapon, destroying household items (punching walls or doors, hurling objects…), forcing to consume substances or alcohol, driving recklessly, abandoning the person in dangerous places to “teach them a lesson”, preventing the person from getting medical assistance, or not allowing the person to leave the house.
- Sexual violence: Any act consisting on forced sexual interactions, either through the use of direct physical force, threats or manipulation; or any non-consensual degrading sexual act performed during intercourse. Other forms of sexual abuse can be using demeaning sexual remarks in private or public settings; insisting on having sex even when the other person feels tired/sick; including a third party in a sexual interaction without consent; filming or photographing the person in sexual situations without their knowledge, or using the material to threaten and manipulate; or not considering the person’s feelings during sex.
- Emotional abuse: The use of verbal violence, shame, guilt, disdain, isolation and intimidation to undermine the person’s self-esteem and instil feelings of fear, insecurity and helplessness. This type of violence is the most difficult to prove and detect, but also the most widespread and insidious. The use of insults; the constant criticism or devaluation of the other person’s personality, physical appearance, hobbies, actions or abilities; spying the person’s physical movements or communication with other people; ridiculing the person in public or private settings; using the silent treatment or giving the cold shoulder to punish the person; gaslighting in order to disorient and confuse, make the other person believe they are crazy or minimize the abuse; isolating the person from their family/friends/loved ones by sabotaging relationships or the use of jealousy and distrust; threatening to hurt or kill loved ones, pets or oneself are other examples of psychological violence.
- Financial abuse: The use of income, savings or money to control and manipulate the person. The abuser will try to create a sense of total financial dependence in their partner through the control of the couple’s monetary resources; stealing from the other person, or using their money without their permission; impeding access to their salary or savings; or impairing the person from getting a job or education.
How can i tell if I am suffering from IPV?
Most of the time, abusive situations are hard to identify or detect; particularly if emotional abuse is playing a main role in the relationship, as it is usually subtle and hard to pinpoint. Another reason why we might not be fully aware it is happening to us, is the abuse always occurs gradually. Small painful acts that are easy to disregard are slowly normalized within the relationship, which eventually allows for more blatant forms of violence to occur unnoticed. Lastly, human beings tend to protect themselves from harmful or harsh realities. The person might minimize or deny the abuse is occurring in order to avoid the pain and shock of being aware the person they might love the most is knowingly tormenting them with the direct intention of subjugating and controling them.
In order to ascertain if we are being victims of any form of abuse or intimate partner violence, we can observe common behaviors of people who have been through this type of violence and compare them to our own. Victims often hide things from their partners in order to avoid an explosive fit of rage; they might avoid expressing a difference in opinion to their partner for fear of being ridiculed; be wary to contradict the other person to avoid a negative or violent reaction; they might have lost the confidence in their decision making, or the sense of control in their own actions and lives; they avoid to talk to or spend time with friends or family members for fear of their partner’s reaction of disapproval, jealousy or anger; accept to have sexual intercourse without wanting to in order to avoid conflict or tension; tolerate invasions of their privacy, such as the access to their devices and communications with other people; find themselves asking their partner’s permission (not opinion) to do things; be in constant fear of making any mistake that might spark their partner’s anger; suffer from feelings of worthlessness; feel unable to make decisions over their own life, the people they see, how they dress, or how they spend time.
Another way to identify if we are being subjected to IPV is identifying the psychological damage that it generates. The impact of sustained abusive behavior by a partner includes the destruction of one’s self-esteem, chronic stress, sleep and eating disturbances, substance or alcohol abuse, social isolation, apathy or depression, abrupt changes in mood, suicidal ideation and hopelessness, headaches or gastrointestinal problems, constant feelings of shame, guilt or insecurity, and the loss of trust in one’s ability to function as an adult.
How can I cope with the psychological impact of abuse?
One of the ways we can recover from the damage suffered in the context of intimate partner violence (after we have ensured our physical and emotional safety) is to receive counseling or support through psychotherapy. The main goal of treatment will processing the emotional trauma in order to understand, accept and leave it behind. However the restoration and bolstering of our self-esteem and self-confidence will also be a cornerstone of treatment; in addition to working on the symptoms derived from the abuse such as anxiety, depression or substance use.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English and Spanish
How to identify eating disorders in teenagers: 12 red flags!
Eating disorders are complicated illnesses that affect adolescents with increasing frequency. They are ranked as the 3rd most common chronic illness in adolescent female, with a dramatic increasing rate over the past three decades. The causes of eating disorders are broadly accepted to be a combination of several factors: genetic, psychological, and sociocultural.
Eating disorders are extensive patterns of behavior driven by tremendous fear, anxiety and guilt from the person suffering it.
The three main eating disorders are: Anorexia nervosa, Bulimia nervosa and Binge eating disorder
- Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder in which people maintain a weight that is below average for their age and height. People with anorexia nervosa have an intense fear of gaining weight, therefore, always worried with food, and having a distorted body image. To stay underweight, they may starve themselves, eat sparsely and infrequently, purge food by vomiting or using laxatives, or exercise extremely.
- Bulimia nervosa is manifested by series of extreme overeating and feelings of loss of control about eating, followed by purging or other behaviors to compensate for the overeating like vomiting, exercise or use of laxatives. Binge eating is often done in private because most people with bulimia nervosa are of average weight or even slightly overweight, it might not be readily apparent to others that something is wrong.
- Binge eating disorder is characterized by recurrent episodes of extreme overeating and in secret but do not attempt to get rid of calories once the food is consumed. People with binge eating disorder may be embarrassed or feel guilty about binge eating, but they feel such a compulsion that they cannot stop. These people can have average weight, overweight or obese.
Unique features of adolescents and the developmental process of adolescence are often crucial considerations in determining the diagnosis, the treatment or outcome of the eating disorder.
Therefore, each adolescent has to be considered separately and differentiated from adults patients with eating disorders. It is important to realize that the list of red flags given below serve as a guidance, however, it can diverge for each adolescent.
12 Red Flags
1. Body insecurity
Having negative or obsessive thoughts about body size or shape. Persistent worries or complaints about being fat or the need to loose weight. Comparisons to other individuals and their shape/weight. (However, eating disorders are possible without body insecurity).
2. Intense and extreme exercise
Obsessive about doing exercise, sometimes even daily. Also, obsessive about exercise even when injured, tired or sick.
3. Fear of eating in front of others
Avoids situations that include eating in front of other or in public. Becoming more avoidant, secretive, irritable or anxious in the content of food (ex: difficulty at the family meal or going out for meals) Makes excuses about not being able to eat with friends or family.
4. Pleasure in others’ eating
Prepares elaborate meals for others, especially foods with high caloric intake that he/she will not eat.
5.Changes in appearance and clothing
Significant weight loss or again. Major hair loss, dry hair or skin or excessive facial or body hair. Also, change of clothing style (ex: baggies and bigger clothes).
6. Physiological changes
Develops unusual sleep patterns (ex: insomnia) and high sensitivy to low temperatures, feels tired most of the time, menstruation changes or there is an absence of it (amenorrhea). Also, constipation, stomach pain and dental cavities might be signs of having an ED.
7. Excessively restricting foods
Considers certain foods or groups of food completely off limits. Denying to eat or making excuses not to eat even to the point of skipping meals. There exists a incessant worry about dieting and calories.
8. Disproportionate fear
Avoids certain foods because of fear of choking or fear of purging after its intake.
9. Purging
May compensate for the food eaten through vomits, use of laxatives or diuretic abuse. As soon as the meal is over, leave the table immediately to purge.
10. Secretive eating
Large amounts of food disappear over short periods of time. Also, hoarding food can become part of the disease. A person may stockpile large amounts of food in various places where are binge may typically occur for them: car, home, break room, etc. Finding wrappers or containers that might indicate secret consumption of large quantities of food.
11. Eating rituals
When it comes time to eat in public, there exists a fixation to cut food into very small pieces or arrange food in a certain way to make it seem like they’re eating, while little or no food is consumed.
12. Isolation
There exists withdraws from usual friends, family and activities that used to be enjoyed before. Tends to isolate themselves in the room and get moody especially after eating. There is constant irritability and persistent low mood.
If your son/daughter or close friend you care about has changed their relationship with food, is skipping meals, making excuses for not eating, following a very limiting diet or focuses compulsively on eating, they could be suffering from an eating disorder. If left untreated, eating disorders can lead to serious illness and even death. Those girls with lower body weight can lose their menstrual periods, which could possibly lead to osteopenia, early bone loss that can lead to painful fractures. Also, eating disorders are highly related to other serious health troubles such as kidney disease and heart disease. Therefore, it is important to express your concerns in a caring and loving manner. If it’s your kid, speak with a professional, since teens are especially at risk and early intervention is key.
Division of Psychology, Psychotherapy and Coaching
Psychologist
Adults and adolescents
Languages: English and Spanish